WHO'S NEXT FOR TONY ROMO...AND AMERICA?

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

It used to be that Brett Favre was synonymous with America, but brittle old Brett left another game last night with another injury and now may not play next week. Look, it was a great run, but is it really worth it for the Green Bay Packers, and America as a whole, to have to sit worry about whether Brett is going to be able to play every 250 games or so. The man just can't hold up for a full 16 years anymore, and as a symbol of America that's a dangerous image to project to the rest of the world. That's why there's been a noticeable shift in America's quarterbacking love affair from Favre to Tony Romo. Part of the reason this has happened is that America is at a time in its life where it just wants to have fun. I mean, we've been with Brett so long that we're not even sure who we are anymore. We need to find ourselves (translation: be a slut.) And Romo's propensity for cavorting with a different blonde every week really scratches us where we itch. I just hope our new lifestyle doesn't cause us to itch in any new, uncomfortable places. Who's next for Romo? Here's some possibilities as the line forms behind Jerry Jones:

Madonna: Romo is a lot like Alex Rodriguez in that they both love she-males. You know, the muscular types, maybe some testicles. Well Madonna has gotten to the point now where she doesn't even look female anymore. She has more veins popping out of her neck than a Romania power lifter. Plus, she's British and that accent is sexy. Also, she's a whore.

Anna Nicole Smith: A perfect match, she's even from Tex...what? She's dead? Huh, you think I would've heard something about that.

John Tesh: This may seem an odd pairing, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Romo wants his personal life off of shows like "Entertainment Tonight," a show that was previously hosted by... a Mr. John Tesh. Bingo! I'm sure Tesh still has a lot of pull over there and he could tell Mark McGrath or whoever the shit hosts that show now to stop reporting on Romo. Plus, little known fact: Romo has a soft spot for guys that play keyboard guitars. Makes him melt.

The Olsen Twins: One or both, doesn't matter. Although, Ashley was recently spotted "canoodling" with seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. So unless Romo figures out a way to cure cancer it looks like he'd have to settle for the skinny one.

Erin Andrews: Recently named "Playboy's sexiest sportscaster of the year," Andrews is mainly a college reporter and therefore her ESPN contract might allow her to date a professional athlete. If said athlete plays for the Yankees, she probably gets a bonus.

Morganna aka the Kissing Bandit: While she's mainly affiliated with baseball, Morganna loves to kiss any and all celebrities, including Johnny Carson and David Letterman. She's never gone near Leno so she's obviously got good taste. Plus, according to her Wikipedia entry, "her breasts have been reported to be natural." Oh, baby.

THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: The NFL Network

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

Ah, good old NFL. Purveyor of acceptable, controlled violence, bringer of distractions from the realization that another work week looms, excuse to drink on Sundays. America loves you NFL, you know it and we know it and you'd have to try and pull something really stupid to screw this up- like Major League Baseball stupid! You'd have to do something like try to play keep away with your games and hold your fans ransom if they don't pay for your network. You'd have to pull something where the possibility arises that on any given week the most interesting game on your schedule will be inaccessible to 75 percent of population, like having 10-1 Dallas play 10-1 Green Bay only on NFL Network. Now why would you wanna go and do a thing like that?

I always knew the NFL had communist tendencies- "Oh, your socks are too high- that'll be $750,000! That is not an NFL approved towel- that'll cost ya. $500,000! Oh, you murdered a couple of people- $250,000!" But the fact that they've come to the point where they insist on controlling the information is a little scary. If it gets to the point where the only network showing the NFL is the NFL network then how can we expect to get the honest and insightful commentary we've become accustomed to on other channels?

And the NFL has been wise to hitch their wagon to DirectTV. Another way to force the majority of people out of their homes if they want to enjoy your product. Does nobody over there at the NFL realize that if the Sunday Ticket was available on a basic cable box like the college gameplans or the MLB package that EVERY FAN WOULD BUY IT! It's not that difficult to figure out, here's the equation: football + not having to leave the house + not having to watch a game like, say, Bears@Raiders = money! And in the end that's all this is really about, the NFL wants more of your money. The billions of dollars from deals with four networks and merchandising notwithstanding, the league is struggling. It needs your help to stay afloat.

Really, aside from the six or so games they hoard from the public each season, at what time and for what reason would I want to have the NFL network? "Oh boy, the combine is on! I hope I haven't missed the cone drills! Aw man, the Wonderlic test has already been administered! I can't believe I missed it!" No, nobody cares. The NFL Network can Wonderlic my balls.

THINGS I, ALSO, DON'T UNDERSTAND:

By Joel A.


My pretentious face.


GETTING MAD ENOUGH AT GAY PEOPLE TO COMMIT A HATE CRIME.
If you are at the point in your life where you have started to form your own opinions on certain things instead of just blabbing out something you heard on Scrubs or Fox News, there is no way you could hate someone for being gay that much.
Now, a little bit of hatred is understood. Anyone that proud of anything makes me sick to my stomach.
If they had a whole part of Chicago known for it's pride of beanie babies, enough that they had parades, I would get a little angry. But not angry enough to fight them.
And honestly, what's the difference between anal sex with a girl and anal sex with a guy (I have given this a lot of thought.)
It's the hair. That's the only thing keeping me from fucking dudes and chicks - just the fucking hair.
Other than that it would be just the same - I could still fish hook them, jizz all over their back and donkey punch them
It's not that different.

THE TERM "HATE CRIME."
Every crime is a crime of want, fun or hate.
Now, a guy that steals cars and then drives them into a lake is doing is just for fun.
A guy that steals an old lady's purse to buy food to eat is doing it for want.
A guy that stabs his best friend in the shoulder because he slept with his girlfriend is just for hate.
But technically, that last one is not a hate crime - unless his best friend is black, gay and a midget.
Then it's hate.

PEOPLE WHO AIM TO PISS PEOPLE OFF AND THEN WONDER WHY THEY HAVE NO FRIENDS.
Now pissing people off is fun but it has it's limit.
It's fun because the minute someone gets really pissed at you, you know that you have power.
It's like a constant reminder that people let you have power over them and who doesn't like power?

If you are one of these people - stay that way, I think it's awesome.
It gives me something to watch when I go out drinking or go into a chat room for Christian singles.
But don't complain to me when no one calls to hang out with you.
I don't care.

PEOPLE WHO STEAL OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOG IDEAS.
I understand that you are hungover and you don't want to write, but really.
All you have to do is write about sports (did you see that Mizzou game?) drinking or fucking fat chicks (definitely a go to when writer's block hits).
So come on, blow out the candles, turn off the Elton John and sit and write.

FLATS.
These are the shoes that helped fizzle the high heel revolution quickly in 2004.
Come on girls!
You had it going so good - you brought back high heels, you were wearing tight skirts again (not that frilly denim skort shit) and your lipstick wasn't the color of your period blood.
You were so fucking close!
But then stepped in the flat. A high heel shoe without the high heel.
I know that they are comfortable and they don't hurt your back - but we don't want that.
I do care about your back - but I care about you guys getting a boyfriend more.
Do you want to be single when you're 30?
No really, I love you and I just want to help.

GOING OUT TO HAVE A FEW.
Stop.
Fucking stop.
Fucking stop doing this to me.
Just when I get to the point in my drunk where I actually want to be around people and talk - you have to leave because Billy your dog has to be let out.
I don't have time for this - whatever happened to our "all or nothing" attitude we had when we were teenagers?
Like someone I sometimes look up to says: "Excess in moderation."
You don't know where the far curb of the street is if you've only played in the middle.

SMOKING WEED WHEN IT REALLY FREAKS YOU OUT.
I don't smoke weed.
I used to when I was 16. I could when I was 16.
Now it turns me into the weird quiet guy at the party who sits in the corner and looks at the wall.
I respond in one word answers and immediately get defensive when some says hi.

"What the fuck do you mean, hi?"

If you are like this stop trying to force yourself to be cool.
I understand - the culture that surrounds pot is amazing.
I like the culture that surrounds pot more than I like pot.
But that doesn't mean you must smoke weed when a joint is lit.
I want to hang out with you, not someone who giggles uncontrollably when they complete every sentence or picks fights with the nearest fat chick.
Put the joint down and save it for home, no one cares what you act like there except for your cat.


HELP WANTED ADS ON CRAIGSLIST THAT REQUIRE A RESUME TO WASH DISHES.
I am 22, I don't have a resume.
Ok, I do, but what do you really think is on it?

1999-2004: Went to high school.
2004-200Present: Went to college.
I worked a little at Mcdonalds and Home Depot in between the time spent at high school and college.
Special Skills: The skin on my hands do not dry easily (I always carry lotion just in case!) and I love getting yelled at by cooks and servers. I also sell pot and am growing my hair into a ponytail.
Please fucking hire me to wash dishes at your establishment.

Really. I just want some money to buy some beers and a job that I can show up to hungover, stoned or half asleep and still not get fired.
I am applying for the job with the least amount of responsibility next to those "get paid to sleep!" gigs.

Things I Don't Understand:

By T.R. Slyder

When people start sentences with something like, "If you would have told me 10 years ago, that I'd be doing X today...". Think about that. How odd would it be if you're sitting there watching the game with your buddy and he turns and looks you in the eye and says "In 10 years you'll be a married father of 3 living in Arkansas and you'll be an ice cream telemarketer." then turned back and watched the game? Who the hell would do that in the first place? What group of friends sat around and predicted aloud each other's futures- then one of them went on to be surprised that none of those predictions were correct?

Chicks always being chilly, then never wearing a jacket when they go out on weekends despite it being like 27 degrees.

Sending a mass text message and saying "Hey everybody..." when we wouldn't know it were a mass text if they didn't say "everybody". It's a great way to put out the "I'm thinking of you" vibe, but also adding "but not any more than I am thinking of everyone else."

Chubby chasers.

Nickelback. If I'm gonna get rocked by a dude- you can bet it won't be from a McMetal band lead by a dude with a goatee and a dyed-blond perm.

Ugg boots. I get them if they're used in inclement weather, but when it's nice outside and chicks wear them I am just perplexed.

Not laughing when you hear a fart. Especially when it's from anyone outside of the male 10-50 year old demographic.

Why someone would ever be a paparazzo. If paying your mortgage or financing your children's education is dependent on you taking a picture of Frankie Muniz in a bathing suit or Brendan Fraser eating al fresco, you are the worst person of all time.

How people with nervous laughs laugh after every sentence they say and expect us to find every single declarative sentence they state to actually be humorous. I think I get why they're nervous all the time, though- it's probably because they're like "oh crap, that last joke really sucked. I HAVE to make it up in the next sentence....crap, I don't have anything funny to say....but I gotta try SOMETHING.....here goes nothing...oh man I really need this one......."

Hoodies under blazers. Just a truly, truly horrible idea. Even if mixing and matching is your thing, try to mix and match good ideas instead. Mixing stupidity and matching that with a huge mistake, does not a chic outfit make.

Putting chopped nuts on ice cream. Just a preference. No puerile joke here, I just really hate that combination.

When people are praying and are "telling" God what to do. Why the hell don't they ever say "please"? They're talking to their fucking God, for God's sake!! Yet they're talking to him more rudely than they would talk to a bartender- you at least say "Can I have a Manhattan please?". "Deliver us from evil", "have mercy on us", "forgive us our sins", etc. It's not ok for your kid to tell you, "Pour me a glass of orange juice, Dad" without saying "please", but it's ok to order your God to "forgive us our trespasses"?? It's GOD!!!!

Facelifts for aging celebrities. We can all tell you had work done. It makes you look creepy, fake and shallow. Seriously. If you're 65 you aren't getting jobs because you're a wrinkle-free piece of ass. Not even tabloid media makes fun of people for having crow's feet, it happens. And if you are wrinkle-free thanks to a fake face you're never gonna get called an ageless or timeless beauty. Instead they'll say "Man, that fake-looking chick has had some major work done. Lay off the surgery." With that you've defeated the purpose. It's like pouring concrete over a flowerbed because the flowers aren't in full bloom anymore. Fading flowers still look way better than concrete.

People who watch Leno over Letterman.

Same for people who watch Craig Ferguson instead of Conan.

Fanny packs. If you're ever in mime school and your assignment is to non-verbally convey the message "Hi there, I'm not from around here. In fact, I'm not even from this time zone. And ya know what? Lately I've been slipping on my diet and to be quite honest with you, I'm not too up-to-date with my current events either." All you'd really have to do is put on a fanny pack and you're done with the assignment.

Jean shorts. When coupled with the fanny pack it isn't so much a case of two wrongs making a right, it's a case of two wrongs loudly proclaiming "I tell you what, I love NASCAR and I keep my chewin' tobacca right here, you sumbith."

Non-athletic pants with elastic waistbands for those over the age of 12. I mean, the theory makes sense, "It's great because my weight can fluctuate yet I can still wear the same pair of pants." but not really. Firstly, they look awful. Secondly, it isn't like every part of the pants stretches. What if your problem area is your ass and thighs? Then what? Then you're screwed. But hey, at least you saved $7 by not having to a buy a belt.

Picking your nose being a social taboo. You can fix your hair in public, you can tuck your shirt in. You can pick your afro, you can pick your ears, you can pick your teeth- if you have a toothpick. You can even blow your nose. What's so different about picking your nose? Now you're going to say "because picking your nose results in having boogers on your fingers, dumbass." But what if you demurely deposit them in a napkin or tissue and throw them away, like you do blowing your nose, or with a used toothpick, or if you cleaned up a mess with a napkin? I really don't see a difference.

Dog owner's who don't train their dogs to the point where the dog doesn't seem to be aware of its own name. Having dumb dogs is like having dumb kids- you just can't do it. You got a responsibility! You get off your ass and you train that fucking dog! (I'm hoping the Billy Madison reference didn't go unnoticed.)

Not having your toll/bus money/ticket ready as you approach the toll/bus. As my dad would say "Surprise! Toll! Surprise!!!" If your stupidity slows you down you deserve it. But if your stupidity slows me down, I'm going to have a problem with that.

Doughy broads showing midriff. I can understand why fit women would consider their sightly abdominal region to be an asset and wish to show it off. Clothers realized this and made clothes for them, women purchased them and they were all happy. So too were the guys who looked at those women. But when did women with unsightly abdomens think "Ooooh, that's a great idea! Men are attracted to shorter shirts apparently." Apparently, clothing companies then said "There are women out their flaunting their physical imperfections out there and making the public world less attractive- I want our company to be associated with that movement."

When you’re in crowded area and someone says “Damn, what’s up with all these people being here?” -not realizing the irony that I'm thinking the same thing as I look at them, or similarly, when six fratty dudes walk into a party and proclaim “Whoooaa…sausage fest”

People who don't seem to be aware that they have bad breath. How do you have no idea that your mouth tastes like hot garbage? If I could make food that tasted like their breath smells and they ate it they'd be vomit. Yet they don't mind the taste if it's lingering? How does THAT work?

Elevators and Copenhagen Snuff

by Alex Hryhorczuk

arh7@georgetown.edu
Short and sweet this Saturday morning. I hope you had a fine Thanksgiving.
Elevator Etiquette: I ride the elevator between 15-20 times a day. It's funny and a little frustrating how many times a logjam is created because people go out of their way to be polite. The easiest rule to follow is that women are always let out first. Everyone for the most part practices this rule in my experience, and it follows along with general etiquette of allowing ladies to go first, whether through a doorway or whatever. But, etiquette also dictates that men are the first ones in an elevator. When the elevator door opens, stop standing there with your arm out while the women pile in. There are two very good reasons for this rule: historical and practical. Historically, elevators are unsafe. It is the man's job to "test the waters" so to speak by being the first inside the elevator. Because he is the first one in and the last one out, he spends the most time inside the elevator and the woman spends the least time. Practically speaking, if you are the first inside the elevator, you are headed towards the back. Now when the door opens and proper etiquette dictates the woman be let out first, what do you know she is right by the door and you're where you're supposed to be jammed in the back somewhere. Unfortunately, etiquette is convention so it is based on the prevailing view. That means I get dirty looks walking into an elevator first and some bozo still steals the show by waiting to be the last one in. Try and spread the word.

(home team in caps)
Denver (+2) over CHICAGO: Jay Cutler was looking pretty sharp last week against Tennessee. This team is coming together, Chicago is falling apart.
ST. LOUIS (+3) over Seattle: Nothing to say about this game really.

JACKSONVILLE (-8) over Buffalo: If they do what they're supposed to, Jacksonville should win by at least 10. Isn't that how these lines always work out, though?
Houston (+3.5) over CLEVELAND: Andre Johnson gives Houston a huge boost.
Billy Jack is back next week. Until then, here's some guy on guitar.

Advice You Can Use: (Gambling advice is useless so each week I will try to give you some advice that’s actually worthwhile, to justify the time you spent reading this column) The most pleasant spitter for your dip at work is Snapple Iced Tea. I prefer Peach. The thick glass brim is nice to the touch. The aroma of iced tea wafts up each time you spit. Leave the last couple sips up to the label and the brownish color leaves no one the wiser. Just hope that cute girl you work with doesn't try to sneak a sip while you're away from your desk. Have a great weekend.

"We Can Do Dis Every Weekend, Dat A'ight? Is Dat a'ight Wich You?" -Yes Puff Daddy and the Patriots, it is A'ight With Me.

By T..R. Slyder
I am sick of hearing NFL players, pundits, and talking heads bemoaning the Patriots running up the score. These would-be guardians of sportsmanship allege that the Patriots are being poor sports by outscoring their opponents by wider-than-conventional margins. My question for them is- when did professional sports involve gentility, gentlemanliness and modifying your plans to greater please your opponent? I think it's fantastic that they're running up the score. If the Patriots’ consideration were up to the standards of the aforementioned talkers, it would be a historical disservice to the fans. There are kids seeing Brady and Moss for the first time and there are people seeing them for the last time and they deserve a show. If you dropped $120 to attend a game, you’d say the say the same thing. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that these men are not diplomats, dignitaries, or your kid’s surrogate parents- they are entertainers.

People seem to forget that this is a professional sports league. Sure, you teach kids to play sports in a considerate fashion and how to be good losers and good winners, but that's different. When children learn sports they're learning a lot more than just the rules of a game. Kids are learning metaphoric life lessons on the field, and you coach them accordingly. The reason you wouldn’t want your child’s team to score 30 runs in a little league game actually has little to do with the sport itself and more to do with teaching kids the polite way to handle success. Once you are an adult and derive your income from playing sports, you don't have to be a good winner or loser if you don't choose to do so. It’s a lot like swearing- you wouldn’t teach an eight year-old to swear, but once they’re an adult they’ve earned the right to do it if they so choose.

Apart from doing the fans a disservice, if the Pats were proper gentleman about their mismatches, it would also be a disservice to them. It's difficult to gain experience from the bench. If the starters spend only 25 minutes on the field each game they won’t have had the luxury of building in-game chemistry among teammates that their blown-out opponents just had. With the playoffs sure to bring at least one close game, any tight situation they encounter in the regular season will help; the more pressure you face in the regular season, the more prepared you'll be for the playoffs. If their opponents are so anemic that they can't provide a suitable challenge, what right have they to be upset when New England is still trying to get better for when they do face an actual challenge? Someone has to entertain the paying audience, and the team scoring 3 points is not getting that done.

My last reason for enjoying the Patriots running up the score is for the benefit it provides to history. The Pats might have the best offense in history. Additionally, they're coached by the most pissed-off and vindictive coaches in history. We’ll never see that combination again. Ordinarily when scoring records get set by teams you still wonder "what if..." on a few points. What if they weren’t so dominant and played in more close games? What if they hadn’t clinched a playoff berth so early and played more meaningful games? What if their coach were involved in cameragate and were an evil genius with a penchant for hoodies? You can't help but wonder how many points Jordan could have scored if he played every fourth quarter with as much resolve as he played every first quarter, or how many more points the '98 Vikings would have had if they hadn't clinched their playoff spot so early. With the 2007 Patriots we won't have that problem. No "what if"s here. If they can stay healthy this year, the number of points they wind up with will be damn near the most points a team can POSSIBLY score in a season. I like that. What more can a sports fan ask for than to witness history?

THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: The War On Thanksgiving

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

Thanksgiving- a time for people everywhere to get together with friends and family to feast and celebrate the pilgrims giving Native Americans small-pox infected blankets. But some people, the "powers that be" if you will, don't want you to celebrate. They want you to avoid eating your weekly intake of fat and calories in one day. Well I for one won't stand for it! America, there's a war on Thanksgiving and we need you on the front lines. The call is from heroism, will you accept the charges?

The enemy I speak of are those in charge of big name retailers like Wal-Mart and Mom and Pop's Christmas tree farm on route 48. These people want you to forget about giving thanks and start giving them money. The second Halloween ends the tinsel is out in full force and the Christmas rush is on. They put out their holiday displays and tout the arrival of their drunken Chris Cringle on November first. All the while America's greatest holiday is largely ignored.

Thanksgiving is by far the greatest holiday, perhaps the greatest day period, of the year. Although getting together with one's family is not a positive for all, it is a day of great food and football. There are no gifts to buy or turtle necks to return. You wake up, you watch football, then you eat and drink for about three hours and then you waddle off to bed in a tryptophan induced haze. Sounds pretty good, right?

Well if stores like Wal-Mart get their way, the only organized celebration you'll be having this winter will involve stockings and NBA basketball. Any person in their right mind would chose NFL over NBA. Unlike NFLers, NBA players are thugs and they're constantly involved in off-court issues. Meanwhile, using the United Way commercials I see during telecasts of their games as a gauge, NFL players spend their free time pushing children on swings and handing out free turkeys. Now who do you choose?

This is your call to arms America! Save Thanksgiving from the jowls of Santa Claus and save yourself the horror of a life lived without eating your weight in mashed potatoes. Sure a birthday party for Jesus is fun, but we've done that 2,007 times already. Meanwhile, this is only the 386th Thanksgiving. It's like a brand new shindig. Hence, Thanksgiving is truly our greatest holiday. Please don't ever let it be forgotten.

2 GIRLS AND ONE CUP, BME PAIN OLMPICS AND YOUR HELPFUL HANGOVER GUIDE.

By Joel A.


A lot of you have been wondering where I have been. I have gotten countless e-mails and numerous phone calls from all three of you over the past weeks.
Well, now I get to let you know what all the absent father syndrome was all about.
Over the past few weeks I have been trying to discover the perfect hangover cure.
Now, I know that they are everywhere, but I have never read one by a normal guy. They have all been done by doctors - people I tend to not trust and jealously hate.
Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking out there.
"Hey Joel - I'm in A.A. - why the fuck would I care about how to cure a hangover?"
Well, my bitter little friends of Bill W. - let me explain:
You're sober today and that's fucking great but you never know what could happen.
You could be diagnosed with cancer and have thirty days to live, in which you'll probably start drinking again (unless you're a fag), so this advice will come in handy.
Now, I know what all of you are thinking out there.
"Fucking Joel - why the fuck would I care about hangovers if I was going to die?"
Well, fucking, another question - let me explain.

Now on with my findings.

GUARANTEED CURES

1. Sleep.
Sleep until opening your eyes doesn't hurt anymore. For me, it's about four or five until I am fine, depending on how much I drank.
This also has its bad sides. I found myself sleeping through class and waking up for only a couple hours before I passed out playing Tony Hawk. This method doesn't work if you have a life outside of drinking.

2. Drink again.
It works and it's fun. One shot eliminates all of the buzzing and two shots takes care of the shakes. Too bad no one else will be wasted at nine in the morning with you.

"Meh" CURES

1. Water.
Either after you wake up (meaning you'll have to deal with lights and sounds for a few hours) or before you pass out (meaning you'll have to remember to drink water in between jerking off to "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe" and passing out in your vomit.)
These work but they both have stupid down sides that make them not worth it.
Now, drinking water while you drink beer does work - but if you have the bladder and dick size of a four year old like me, it's a lot of pissing.
Which can severely limit your abilities to hit on fat chicks and post personal ads on Craigslist.

2. Hangover Pills.
Work fucking wonderful. They get rid of the hangover and don't cost all that much.
But for them to work you have to take them with every two beers or every two hours that you drink (or something like that).
This sucks. When I drink I want to drink, not open my med kit and pull out my heart pressure pills.
I'm young, rich and good looking not old, senile and near death.

3. Xanax.
Xanax works on the brain the same way that beer does, except it doesn't have the "Why can I not control my body" side effects.
So, in essence, taking a Xanax is just like taking another shot, but you don't get drunk, you just get tired - er.
It's a lot more easier to come by than you would think.
Just find a friend that has a tendency to be uptight and stuffy (you know - his house is always clean and he showers twice a day) and he's bound to have millions.

STUPID CURES

1. Running.
This actually does the opposite of what you want to do.
I know a lot of you are thinking "Running - are you fucking serious?"
And yes - I am. Or was.
I once thought that running or any type of exercise that makes me sweat (jerking off for three hours) would "sweat" the beer out of my body.
That's wrong completely. It just dehydrated me more and made me sweaty.
SO running just made me have a hangover and be even greasier. Not good.

2. Adderall/Red Bull/Redline/Uppers.
This paralleled my thoughts about sweating to rid my body of alcohol.
All this really did was make me turbo hungover and really, clumsily horny.
Jerking off at work and then getting a head rush so strong that I almost passed out (I smelt oranges and saw buildings) isn't for me.

Bill & Ted, Wayne & Garth, and Beavis & Butthead; We Hardly Knew Ye

By T.R. Slyder (TRSlyder@yahoo.com)


Originally I wanted to write an article about how Bill and Ted influenced Wayne's World and they both influenced Beavis and Butthead. I didn't write that article because if that idea hadn't dawned on you before, you could put all the pieces together without me needing to, which means you'd skip the rest of my article. So instead I'm taking it a step further and pointing out not what those three duos had in common, but how they differed from other modern humorists. I also try to figure out just what happened to stupid comedy and why it no longer seems to exist, because frankly, I miss it.

Television and movies both featured plenty of stupid characters in the ‘80s; nitwits as far as the eye could see. But stupid humor seemed to thin out during the early ‘90s and Beavis and Butthead represented the last of their kind for both television and cinema. Beavis and Butthead Do America was the last movie of this genre, and the same can be said for their television show. Since Beavis and Butthead, television and movie comedies have gone separate ways in regards to stupid humor. As was the case with our three duos (Bill & Ted, Wayne & Garth and Beavis & Butthead), most successful comedy movies since then have been character driven, the only difference now being that the more recent lead characters were not complete morons, just complete boobs.
Where The Big 3 were more or less the idiots we all knew, the newer comedy movie heroes are more like slap-stick caricatures. How many big-deal comedies can you name since the early ‘90s? My rough list is: Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Kingpin, The Big Lebowski, Dirty Work, Something About Mary, Anchorman, Talladega Nights, and Borat. Nearly all of them are the story of one dude (whose name is usually in the title), who happens to be a consummate goofball, and his accordingly goofballish adventures. Not a moron in sight. Sure, they’re silly characters, but they aren’t the bumbling morons of yore.
Comedic television has also strayed from the imbecile-as-hero storyline, but in a different direction. The successful television comedies of the last decade have been surprisingly intelligent: Seinfeld, The Simpsons, South Park, Chapelle's Show, the Daily Show, Strangers With Candy, The Family Guy. Gone are the stupid characters like Skippy from Family Ties, Jazzy Jeff from Fresh Prince, or Boner from Growing Pains. Comedies today do not slip on banana peels, they satirize American life.

The absence of stupid humor saddens me because stupid humor nearly saved my life. During my junior year of college stupid comedy saved my sanity. First semester of that year I took the most challenging class I have ever taken- Philosophy of Existence and Being. It was a 75-minute, twice a week mind meld. During my walk home after class I would unfailingly be thinking something like "Wow, I never want to think that deeply for that long again. I'm done thinking for the whole rest of the day. When I get home I’m going watch Beavis and Butthead re-runs and get stupider to undo what just happened." The Beavis and Butthead Yin successfully counterbalanced the Yang of George Berkeley, Descartes and Zeno’s Paradoxes and equanimity was restored until that class met again.
So it’s only natural for me to want to ensure that future generations have equal access to television and movies that dumb them down as effectively as I had. If you’ll allow me to paraphrase Whitney Houston- I believe that stupid children are our future- so what stupid shows do they have to fantasize about going home and getting stupider to?
Reality television. That's what happened to stupid comedy; it was replaced by stupid reality.
Want to point and laugh at a total idiot acting like a total idiot? Check out Flavor of Love. Or the Bachelor. Or Blind Date, Cheaters, Judge Judy, I love New York, The Real World, America's Next Top Model, American Idol, That one show with Janice Dickinson, Hogan Knows Best, Growing Up Gotti, The Simple Life, The Pickup Artist, that show with Irv Gotti (that isn’t Growing Up Gotti), Big Brother, The White Rapper Show, The Osbournes, Scott Baio is 45, So You Think You Can Dance, and all the others I am lucky enough not be able to recall.

Why watch made-up stupid characters when you can watch actual stupid people? Plato had a similar opinion of art- what good does a painting of a cow do for you when you can just go down the street and see an actual cow? If you like the subject matter so much, why bother with representations? If that’s too deep of a concept for you, I’m sure I Love New York is playing on VH1 a few times tonight.

FANFOUND.COM, GREDDE ENTERTAINMENT, and BiNJ PRODUCTIONS PRESENT ANOTHER BLOW TO YOUR WORKDAY PRODUCTIVITY!

Do you enjoy drinking during the week? Do you hate showing up to work on time on Thursdays? Do you like having friends and lovers, even if you’ve met them on the internet? If you do, fanfound.com can bring you and your glorious personality to the Promised Land! On Wednesday, November 28th, that promised land will be located conveniently inside the legendary Abbey Pub, located at 3420 W. Grace in Chicago’s underrated northwest sizzide.

Fanfound.com, the greatest thing to happen to music and social networking since the invention of amplified sound itself, has teamed with Gredde Entertainment and BiNJ Productions (binjproductions.com) to bring you three bands that have more instrumental acumen than any MTV “Buzz” band since DMB and Blues Traveler combined. They are:

The Dane Varese Band - A rock’n’pop quartet originating out of Madison, Wi, home to thick brats but surprisingly slender women. Their on-stage charisma and feel-good music is led by frontman Dane Varese, an incredibly gifted 22-year-old singer/songwriter that’ll make your girlfriend reconsider things. They have been making a name for themselves on the national scene for over a year, and are coming to Chicago as a headliner for the first time.

Detagoh - Pronounced Day-Tah-Go, these hippies combines fun, excitement, energy and very catchy tunes to form a hugely infective sound. With a combination of violin, harmonica, electric guitar, a solid rhythm section and powerful vocals. Detagoh has created a unique sound on the Chicago music scene that puts them in line to be the predecessor to Umphrey’s McGee’s “crossover jamband” appeal. With original music that has a pop acoustic sound, Detagoh has become one of Chicago's most sought after bands, like your mom!

Curbside - Curbside originally met at Bradley University in 2003. They then locked themselves in a room together for three years without leaving, and learned to play every instrument on God’s green earth. Then they took 13 shots of Absinthe and learned every instrument ever available in Narnia as well. In laymen’s terms, this Chicago-based Acoustic Rock trio is shaped by strong vocals, original leads and soothing harmonies. Add percussive guitar, piano and cello melodies and you've unfolded music for every emotion.

Have I mentioned that the Abbey Pub will offer a $30 all-you-can-drink package from 8-11pm that includes entry to the show and enough alcohol to render you shameless. Those not interested in the wristband special can get in for a $10 cover charge and pay for their drinks at the bar, which would be a ridiculous decision to make unless you’re pregnant.

Be there or be hexagonal!

RICKY TO DOLPHINS: 'I PASS ON GRASS.'

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Amid all the talk about the return of Rex Grossman as the Chicago Bears starting quarterback, another NFL comeback story has been overshadowed. This is the story of a man so painfully shy that he's never even seen his own nipples. A peaceful man who never overfed a diabetic horse and never met a yoga mat he couldn't tame. A man whose only request from his employer was that he be allowed to get baked every once and a while. Ricky Williams was denied his request, twice, but after a brief banishment to the the Great White North, Ricky is back. The 0-9 Miami Dolphins, his former team, are badly in need of help and are hence welcoming him back with open arms, but considering the Dolphins have played this game with Williams before and gotten burned, can he be trusted? Ricky's agent insists his client is "highly motivated with a new lease on life." No one on weed can be highly motivated. I'm convinced.

It really sounds like he's a new man. Who knows, maybe he'll even come back and be great, maybe make a Pro Bowl. Other cheaters and substance abusers have pulled it off, why can't Ricky? He did lead the league in rushing a few years ago, he should be fine...as long as he can avoid being lazy, stoned and/or caught eating Cool Ranch Doritos and watching "Judge Joe Brown" when he's supposed to be practicing.

Maybe Ricky will be a strong leader and a calming influence on the young Dolphins locker room, at least until the Dolphins bring the giant Jason Taylor robot back from London and he wigs out. If that thing doesn't send him running back for the tranquil blandness of Canada then he could serve as the oldest and wisest of all the team's running backs. Not to mention what he could do for Trent Green's headaches.

However, the team would be wise to keep him away from current starting running back Jesse Chatman. Chatman, who lost 60 pounds in the off-season and got a second chance at a career in the NFL, has played well as the starter since Ronnie Brown went down for the season. The last thing he needs is to be palling around with Sir Smoke-a-Lot. After a couple weeks of Ricky hot boxing Chatman's locker and blowing smoke in his face like a stoner with a new puppy, Chatman would probably gain back the 60 lbs. and then some. Empty bags of Funyuns strewn about the floor around his locker and showing up for meetings with Ding Dong frosting smeared across his face would become the norm.

But we're getting way ahead of ourselves. Ricky doesn't start practicing again until Monday and there are no guarantees that he stays off the hippie lettuce until then. But assuming he does, he'll also have to readjust to life in the NFL, which is much different than it was when we last saw him. For instance, he might be surprised to find out that since he was suspended in 2005 players have been discouraged from going out to strip clubs and leaving a path of destruction and paralysis behind them. Also, although partying with underage girls maybe fun, it's now frowned upon by the commissioner's office. Something about protecting the integrity of the shield in addition to not wanting to draw the ire of Chris Hansen.

So that's what Ricky Williams faces as he attempts to return to the NFL- again. And although he will undergo extensive drug testing throughout the season, he says he's sure the tests won't have any effect on his comeback:

"If I wasn't confident, I wouldn't have even tried," he said. "I wouldn't have made the effort."

Wouldn't have made the effort- he's sounding more like the old Ricky already.

Movies, Games, Picks, and Comics

by Alex Hryhorczuk
arh7@georgetown.edu

Sorry there was no article last week. My office uses WordPerfect for some unknown reason and so naturally, the editor couldn't open the file. By the time I sobered up sometime Monday afternoon, all but one of the week's NFL games were over and it seemed pointless to post football picks for games that already happened. It won't happen again.

Last Friday I ditched the second half of the work day to go see a matinee showing of Into the Wild. It was the smartest thing I've done in a long time. This movie has been on my mind since, so when I came across this quote from Phillip Schopper regarding his involvement as editor/assistant director in the making of the music documentary Heartworn Highways, I realized exactly why Into the Wild was such a good film- "We believed that all successful films to a greater or lesser degree sustain an organic mix of emotions from beginning to end. Not always intense, sometimes quiet, sometimes funny, but the audience's emotions are almost always engaged... and that's what we set out to do." Into the Wild is a tremendous success in this respect. Give it a chance and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Since I can't always say something meaningful and that gets tiresome fast anyway, I’ll try to mix things up to keep the column interesting. This week I’m offering an exciting new drinking game to play with your friends. I picked this game up while I was out in Ukraine, on what could loosely be described as a cruise boat on the Dniepro River. It’s funny because Ukrainians don’t understand American drinking games. They can’t wrap their minds around the concept that in many of our games, you drink when you lose as a kind of punishment. Land mine is a good example. The purpose ultimately is to get drunk, but the object of the game is to spin a quarter and pick it up, avoiding the mines so you won’t have to drink. Anyway, it was like trying to explain property rights to Native American Indians.
The Vodka Relay: This is unquestionably the most fun you can have in 5 minutes. Divide into 2 teams of 5. At the other end of the room, place a bottle of vodka, a shot glass, and a bunch of lemon wedges on a table for each team. Line up on the other side of the room. The game works like a relay race. On “GO”, the first person runs to the table, pours a shot, and runs to the back of the line. The next in line runs to the table, takes the shot, and runs to the back of the line. The third in line runs to the table, sucks a lemon wedge, and runs to the back of the line. Repeat until your bottle is empty- first team to finish wins! Because there are 3 tasks and 5 people, each time it is your turn to run to the table you get the next task- so if last time you poured a shot, this time you’ll take one, and if last time you took a shot, this time you suck the lemon wedge, etc. 5 people splitting a bottle of vodka won’t kill you, but be ready because the game goes fast. Zombie Nation is great for this game; polka music works too.
(Home team in caps)
New England (-16) over BUFFALO: Even if the Bills had Marshawn Lynch I would take the Patriots.
Miami (+10) over PHILADELPHIA: Miami fans, welcome to the John Beck era.
Chicago (+5.5) over SEATTLE: Watch how good Rex Grossman plays when there is nothing on the line for his team. Hopefully it's not good enough to earn a contract extension. Wipe that look off your face already.
Tennessee (+2) over DENVER: I really do have it in for the home team. That said, I'm only picking against the spread, which doesn't necessarily mean I think the home team will lose. Not this time. Vince Young... err... defense and the running game carry Tennessee to victory.
Experimental New Segment: Here's something new I'm working on that has absolutely nothing to do with football. It's a cartoon of a cowboy named Billy Jack and his (as of now) nameless koala bear friend. It's drawn in pencil so I'm sorry if the scan from my sketchbook may be hard to see. I've never inked anything in my life. I took a wet media class in college where we worked with ink; unfortunately, I never showed up to learn anything and handled every assignment by dragging a six-pack to the art lab in the middle of the night, hours before deadline and churning out pictures I could have drawn in 6th grade. I got a C+. So it's pencil for now. I'd love to hear what you think. Oh and someone already asked me this- "juice crystals" is Canadian for Kool-Aid.


Advice You Can Use: (Gambling advice is useless so each week I will try to give you some advice that’s actually worthwhile, to justify the time you spent reading this column) I’ve been told by philosophy professors to “live perceptively, as an investigator, with a sense of history.” This is the best advice I could ever pass on. If you’re thoughtful in everything you do you can’t go wrong, though you’ll still make plenty of mistakes. I’ve also been told to keep perspective- to approach a challenge (to borrow from Spinoza) sub specie aeternitatis, or “in view of eternity”. So if you take the train to work every day, buy a pass. If you smoke, buy cartons. And if you’re ever caught with a copious amount of drugs and charged with intent to distribute, remember to tell the judge your well-developed sense of perspective is why you stockpile such large quantities for personal use. Have a great weekend.

THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: Philawarepragacago

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

I'm a person. I grew up in Ohio hating annoying commercials. And now I live in Chicago, but I continue to hate being annoyed. And my brother lives in Denver and he really hates annoying commercials. And I've got a friend in Spain that hates them, too. So I need commercials that aren't going to make me, my family and my friends want to perform full frontal lobotomies on ourselves with a dull knife. That's why I change the channel every time the new AT&T "Philawarepragacago" commercials come on.

These commercials are the television equivalent of gonorrhea in that the burning sensation they cause remains much longer than the initial incident. They're infuriating for so many reasons. Most of all, they're on nonstop, especially during sporting events. They're becoming the new "This is Our Country," just not as funny. At least, the "Our Country" Chevy commercials were so absurd and were on so consistently that you couldn't help but laugh every time they came on. Plus, there's nothing like the use of images of America's failures and embarrassments to really make me feel good about this sweet land of liberty. Reminders of the racial oppression of the 50s and 60s and of our government's inadequate response to Hurricane Katrina fill me with a sense of national pride. Throw in some of these moments and people will be running to enlist. This is ourrrr country...

As far as these AT&T ads go, they don't even elicit a chuckle, especially the "Philawarepragacago" version. Producers were apparently looking for the biggest weenie they could find for the lead role and brother, did they find him. That kid was a great choice- people love smarmy, fidgety weasels. Oh, and how delightful- he's condescending to his parents! Hilarious! Don't even get me started on the other one with the guy in the bolo.

The first time I witnessed these commercials I thought, "They've gone out and hired some poor man's Wes Anderson and asked him to film a bunch of aggravating phone commercials that have a vague resemblance to Anderson's movies." To my shock and horror, the ads resemble Anderson's style because he is in fact the one who wrote and directed all the spots. I understand they probably threw a bunch of money at you, but you're better than that, Wes.

AT&T, like most companies that advertise during sporting events, is trying way too hard with these commercials. Know what's funny and serves as a tolerable diversion while watching a football game? Monkeys. It's not hard, Career Builder figured it out. Bet it didn't take that long either. Attention Corporate America, if you want to see your product really take off get some chimps, dress them up and roll tape. By the time they're done fondling themselves and flinging their feces at each other you should have enough footage to piece together a 30 second spot.

NFL Pregame/Halftime/Postgame Shows: I hate 'em. So should you.

By: T.R. Slyder

You know when you're watching Jack Black prance around in his underpants conjuring up his inner rock-god and you're sitting there like "What the hell is this?? How could someone think I care about any of this?? What portion of this would entertain me? I just don't get it. Well, it does look like he's having fun at least. Good for him. That makes one of us."
I feel that way when I'm watching those NFL shows. Which NFL show? All of them. All four networks and ESPN. Sure, I have fun talking about NFL games with my friends as we joke around and make fun of each other and bust on one another's favorite teams. Have I any right to expect you to enjoy watching that? God no.
That's the problem. As an informed, solutions-oriented complainer, in this article I will gripe as I detail where the train of NFL Show decency was derailed, then I will offer my solution to this problem.



Problem #0: the Original Sin

The panelists making predictions. Not sure when this started, or what pompous ass assumed we cared. This portion of these shows has been around as long as I can remember, which leads to my next question: What the f&$# for? What other sport does this? (Horse racing is exempt because the sport is based around betting, so predictions help you enjoy the sport) Peter Gammons doesn't say: "OK boys, as you know I went 12-4 last night with my picks, so here they are for tonight....." Jay Bilas doesn't do that either. Why football? This gets back to my Jack Black in underpants comment- sure it's fun to think people give a crap about your predictions, but who honestly would? I am positive you don't care who I think will win. So go ahead and use that logic for how you think I'd feel about your predictions. It's really very, very simple.
But then they took these predictions and went a step further: they kept score for the whole year. Terrible. Terrible idea. Sure thing guys, we don't care how our favorite team does, just as long as it helps Quadry Ismail gain a game on Tony Siragusa in the overall standings.
The unkindest cut of all of this, is that when they cut to the predictions portion of the show and have the air of "Finally America, here it is, what you've all been waiting for...." they inevitably start off with "OK, I went 6-11 last week with my picks......" how does that whet my appetite? MAYBE I'd listen if you knew what you were doing, but you obviously don't. If you give a monkey a pencil, over time he (or she) will pick 50% of the winners. Why can't these guys? Is this some kind of fucking joke?


Problem #1: The SportsCenter-ification of the Pre/Half/Post game show.

SportsCenter, at one time was the Little Sports Show That Could. It gained it's full momentum when sports anchors started instituting catchy phrases and recanting that day's sports highlights with more flair than was customary. Resplendent in elevated intonation, use of slang and the all-new "catchphrase", this proved to be the way of the future. It used to be that people doing an impression of a sportscaster just did a Howard Cosell impression, now they just make up a nonsensical catchphrase and sound the part. This also represents the difference between entertainment and journalism.
The fallout of problem #1: The halftime clips being screamed by an ex athlete who is only mostly literate but has the most up-to-date catchphrases of anyone else on hand at the time. Problem #1 has also resulted in the panelists trying to act more like a kind of entertainer than an actual journalist, or just acting as themselves. Hey panelists, the sport is the entertainment, not you nutsacks.

Problem #2: The proliferation of fantasy football

The networks realized that everyone plays fantasy football even people who aren't huge football fans. Furthermore, not only were nearly all of their viewing audience currently in a fantasy league, some people were watching only because they were in a fantasy league.
The fallout: This problem was inspired by the Original Sin. Now it has it's own segment: The update with their fantasy league. Now whenever an NFL player is mentioned we get to hear his name prefaced with "...the stud of my fantasy football team with 26 points last week....". Right guys, trust me, we're all following your fantasy league at home. Somewhere Jack Black lays back in his easy chair, shirtless and disheveled, with a tic-tac-sized bulge in his whitey tighties.

Problem #3: Athlete panelists replacing journalist panelists

Ideally you have both on a panel. The current NFL show format is a jovial host surrounded by ex-athletes. Admittedly this is a fantastic formula. Assuming what you're looking for is an orgy of poor grammar at a high volume combined with a celebration of fake laughter interrupted by poorly-faked chemistry. However, should your objective be an effective football broadcast, this is a bad idea. The moderator of the bunch is overrun by the athletes' canned chemistry/laughter and the show digresses.
Admittedly, the panels are far richer with accomplished ex-athletes, but we don't need 3 at the desk and 4 more as correspondents. When I saw Keyshawn Johnson interview Chad Johnson, I thought Keyshawn was just trying to prove to Chad how down he still is, and auditioning to get invited to a Chad Johnson party. All while trying to get in an interview on the side.
Look at how much better Baseball Tonight's model is: Ravich + athlete or two (Harold Reynolds was the best) + a journalist (Kurkjian, Gammons or Olney) = Great show every time. That formula is outstanding. If the athlete wants to get too crunked up, he's out numbered by men who speak English, and he assumes their civility. This works.

Problem #4: When the dudes grab an actual football and actually run a play in real life on their toy field. Then the non-athletes try to act as though they actually belong and if a real game were to break out they would totally hold their own.

Seriously guys. No.


Final problem. Problem #5: The PTI-ification of NFL shows.

I love PTI. So should you. It's proof that actual journalism mixed with actual chemistry can still be extremely entertaining. Unfortunately, their justified influence has had a non-sanctimonious trickle-down effect. Now every segment has to be made into some kind of game like it's The Price Is Right. You can't just give America 3 things to look for, you have to play the new game "'Give Me Some More' or 'Your Mom's a Whore'", no longer will you be pro or con, it's either "'Coors Light-tastic' or 'Cover Your Head in a Bag That's Plastic'", I heard rumors about a game in the works called "'This One Has Soul' or 'Blow It Out Your Red Hole'" and that's simply not necessary.

On top of all of this idiocy during the pregame they get even crappier at halftime. This error isn't made by self-promoting, hyperactive goofballs in front of the camera. This is a problem with the directors. You endured the pregame show. You just watched the first half of your locally scheduled game. You have a brain. You saw the game and its highlights as they happened. You know what each team wants to change for the next half. THIS game you know, but you're dying to see the other games: maybe your favorite team was playing but you couldn't get it on your TV, maybe other games have huge fantasy impact. Finally halftime is here and you can watch other games' highlights!! So after commercial what game does the Halftime Show lead with? THE ONE YOU WERE JUST WATCHING. The only athletic event in this solar system you do NOT need to see recapped is the one they lead with and devote an entire commercial-to-commercial segment to.
That would be like you and I attending a party and on the way home I was telling you all about the party, how fun it was, who all was there, the funny things that happened, who did what, how much you would have enjoyed it, etc. Eventually you'd cut me off and say "No shit! I was there you, f*&%ing boob!!!" And you'd be right, and I'd be a f*&%ing boob if I did that.
I promise that if this ever makes sense to me, I will not reproduce and subject you to my offspring.

The Final Portion- My solution.

Restructure the panel so it follows the Baseball Tonight formula: Host/moderator + one or two athletes + one journalist. If you must have a correspondent, make them a journalist with a personality, or an ex-athlete that is intelligent.
Scrap the predictions, fantasy league updates, intermittent sketch comedy, Price-Is-Right-esque segments, and acting out plays in real life. With your new found time either make the show shorter, or provide some actual insight that maybe the non-expert viewer at home did not already know. Then at halftime show more highlights of other games and don't even mention the one we just watched. Think more Wilbon/Kornheiser, less Jack Black.

I didn't have a good place to work this joke in, so I'll just leave with it. On Monday Night Countdown on ESPN Tom Jackson said he finally started drinking the Brett Favre Kool-Aid. I think the tap for that keg can be found inside Chris Berman's pants. Hi-ooooo.

WEIGHING THE PROS AND CONS OF DENNIS RODMAN, WNBA HEAD COACH

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Dennis Rodman has aspirations. He yearns to teach women solid defensive basketball, to be a sort of purple haired, basketball Tom Emanski, espousing the virtues of fundamentals. Dennis Rodman's dream is to be a WNBA head coach. For you see, according to The Worm's agent, "Dennis has been talking about doing this for a while but there was never a convenient time. He is ready now to put everything on hold in pursuit of this ambition." Wow. Rodman is ready to put everything he's doing on hold, including sleeping until 2 p.m., competing on "Pros vs. Joes," and getting his ass pierced to pursue his passion- slow, poorly played basketball played in arenas filled to 30 percent capacity. Sounds great and what could go wrong? Well, I guess a lot of things. Um, well what could go right? Excellent question. Let's weigh the pros and cons of Dennis Rodman, WNBA coach:

Pro: Let's get the most obvious one out of the way. Rodman likes to wear women's clothing, that's a fact. So he and the ladies can share outfits and do each other's makeup.
Con: The women will get catty and jealous when Rodman looks better in their clothes and sleeps with more men than they do. Or at least, those that are into men get jealous. The Worm can go either way.

Pro: The addition of Rodman would draw attention to a league that is badly in need of somebody to even acknowledge its existence. Things are so bad for the WNBA that when you type "WNBA" into Google it asks "Did you mean: NBA?"
Con: Rodman will draw attention to the WNBA.

Pro: Rodman's patented headbutts would not harm his players, as women are generally thicker skulled. It's science.
Con: A team that doesn't live in fear of the headbutt is a team without discipline. I think Bob Knight said that.

Pro: The Worm's best buddy Jack Haley would probably be good enough to come off the bench for at least half the teams in the league.
Con: Jack Haley is annoying.

Pro: Rodman will teach his team everything he knows on the offensive side of the ball.
Con: Practice will end early that day.

Pro: We could have an Isiah Thomas trial like circus on our hands when Rodman inevitably does or says something inappropriate with a team member.
Double Pro: There would be no losers here. Hopefully Rodman would seek legal advice from ol' Zeke, hence making an already hilarious situation even better. The only thing more entertaining than the details of what Isiah considers suitable courtship would be to hear The Worm's depraved thoughts on romance. This could be comedy on a grand scale. Everyone would be a winner.

Pro: I'm not a doctor, but I have seen "Kindergarten Cop." And if I learned anything from Detective John Kimble's time in the classroom it's that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. So by process of elimination I will say that women do not have testicles. Therefore, Rodman's frustrated kicks to the groin will have little to no effect. However...
Con: That's bad because the groin punting is meant to be motivational, like locking your child in a dark closet when they've done something that displeases you. It's fine, I think I saw it on "Super Nanny" once.

Pro: Rodman could end up suiting up for his own team in a pinch and his hilarious exploits would remind us all of the delightful 2002 film Juwanna Mann.
Con: A return to prominence could mean talk of a sequel to 1997's Double Team. Or maybe that's a pro?

THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: The '72 Dolphins Edition

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Today we introduce a new section on PRAY FOR MOJO called "The Airing of Grievances." Each week we'll chose somebody or somebodies with whom we've got a lot of problems. Now they're going to hear about it:

The 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in NFL history, are a bitter old bunch. They're angry, tired, cold and convinced their nurses are stealing from them. They also want to be sure you don't forget about them. Every year these attention starved old men go out of their way to stay in the public eye. Be it popping off about the unworthiness of whichever current team remains undefeated or placing one of their own in a prominent hosting position on America's favorite syndicated Gladiator related television program, they've always found a way to remain in football fans' collective consciousness.

Well, the time is here again. It's the time of year when the whole cantankerous collection of them get pissed because they think people are going to erase their team and what they accomplished from their memory banks. Usually former linebacker Nick Buoniconti is the mouthpiece. Buonticonti loves the spotlight and he'll say anything to make himself part of a story. Sadly, his tactics often work and his antics are thoroughly reported despite the fact that he's not the least bit relevant.

However, this time the '72 Dolphins drew their biggest gun- head coach and all-time NFL coaching wins leader Don Shula. Shula says if the 2007 New England Patriots finish undefeated their accomplishment should be accompanied by an asterisk due to their, shall we say, voyeuristic tendencies. No question Shula's a legend, but his sour grapes just make him sound spiteful.

It'd be one thing if a terrible team like the '07 Dolphins were winning all of their games and then were found to be cheating. Although I doubt Shula would have anything to say then, but there would be an explanation as to why such a poorly constructed team was winning so many games. That's when you talk about an asterisk. Asterisks are assigned to records that would not have been broken without operation outside the rules. Doesn't apply here, the Patriots are a machine, with or without the spying.

Are you honestly suggesting that this team that is beating the living hell out of opponents, a team whose three time Super Bowl winning quarterback is set to demolish a barely three year old touchdown record that was thought would never be broken, a team that has so many weapons they could walk onto the field each Sunday without a minute of preparation and still win 99 percent of their games is only doing so because they were taping opponents' sidelines? That's ridiculous, outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

Hey as long as we're assigning arbitrary asterisks, I think Shula's wins should have one next to them due to his son Dave's head coaching career. Little Davey was the worst coach in Cincinnati Bengals history. That's like being the drunkest guy in Ireland. You've really got to do something to distinguish yourself from the rest of the pack. To be the worst anything in Cincinnati Bengals history is an extremely difficult accomplishment, but Dave pulled it off. He went 19-53 in four and a half years! Makes Rich Kotite look like Vinny Lombardi.

I am not a Patriots fan. In fact, you might even say I hate the Patriots, but I'm starting to hate the '72 Dolphins above all else- including paper cuts, Ryan Seacrest, bird flu, public transportation, The Black Eyed Peas, the mere sight of Reba McEntire and Jay Leno. I hope the Patriots lose this season, particularly their week 14 matchup with a certain team in black and gold, but if they don't at least it will put an end to the '72 Dolphins constant whining about something different every year. Go away old men, and take your champagne with you. It's getting irritating guys- now pipe down or we're going to put you in a home. If you're already in a home then we'll put in that crooked home we saw on "60 Minutes." You've been warned.

Things It Is Now Safe to Bring Back

by T.R. Slyder

You know how you're a loser when you're the last to jump on a bandwagon with a trend, but you act like you're the first? Like if you met me on the street and I were wearing a Von-Dutch shirt, had frosted hair tips, then informed you to "hate the player, not the game" you'd correctly think I were the worst person ever. Those trends are (and have been) at their tail end for a while now. Of course, what you want to do is be among the vanguard for the new trends so all your friends can say something like "I'll never forget man, you were the first person that told me that The White Stripes were gonna be cool."

But too many people fail to realize that it's just as cool to help bring back a long-dormant trend, as it is to start a new one. Like the first people to start re-wearing Members Only jackets, Lacoste shirts, old Run-DMC style track suits, the molester/aviator sunglasses look now. Those are all legitimately pretty cool now (to varying degress, admittedly) but 10 years ago, every single one of those were totally lame. Here is a list of the things I am thinking are ripe for a comeback.


1) Quoting the Bud Light Guys by saying "Whaazzzzzzup"

I think we're on the cusp with this one. Sure, there'd be an awkward silence after you said it where your listen thinks "Ok, that's god awful. That was old 8 years ago. But is it so awful that's it cool again????....hmmmm" and you gotta go hope they think that it is and your uber-lameness has sublimed into confident coolness. It would take some balls to actually say "whazzzzzup??" to someone in relatively mixed company. But we're talking about a huge potential payoff.


2) Quoting Mike Meyers and Jim Carrey (comedies only, please)

For whatever reason, these movies seem to have come and gone moreso than Adam Sandler movies. Not sure why. Sure everyone got sick of the Austin Power-isms "Do I make you horny?", "Yeah baby"- which I would not advise bringing back yet, and "No, this is me in a nutshell"- ditto for that one. But I think that movie has a lot of lines that people forgot that they had even forgotten about, and forgot they loved. A well placed "Why don't you ever model for me, Mrs. Kensington?", or perhaps a "but unfortunately, for yours truly, that train has sailed" could do a lot for a conversation.

Also at play here are Dumb and Dumber and Ace Ventura. Maybe we're not ready yet for a revivial of "Allllrrrrrrighty then", but an occasional "Wow.....reeeeeallll, friendly around here" could do us all some good. With the advent of winter upon many states, it might be time to dust off a "yeah, we're in the Rockies". Two lines that did stand the test of time from that movie are "Yeah. He must work out" and "Husband?? What was all that 'one in a million' talk???".


3) The Jheri Curl
I'm white and should not rock the jheri curl. I also know enough to know that the jheri curl is the black man's mullet- Roughly 1 in 5 people over age 35 had one at one point and get busted on every single day for it. But if I saw a dude rockin' the gheri walking past me down the street today I would be elated.

That got me thinking- who was the last dude that really DID the jheri? The last guy that had a jheri curl and you saw him and thought "Daaaayum, that dude is so badass....." My first instinct tells me it was Eazy-E. I would welcome other suggestions. Deion Sanders maybe?

4) More dorks in movies

The 80s really loved good nerds in movies; John Hughes, I'm looking in your direction. 16 Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, The Goonies, Ghostbusters, Revenge of the Nerds, The Wonder Years and that show with Urkel (though they were 90's TV), all had great and important characters that were Nerds. Heck, Revenge of the Nerds was a franchise and Rick Moranis had a film career. What happened? Did the demand ever leave?? Dazed and Confused revisited this in the early 90s. Thank god for The Office and I Superbad did their part with this. We all know geeks in real life and we're ready to see more of them in comedies.

I think modern comedies traded the wacky/nerdy neighbor for the gay neighbor, or the occasional little person. Those are good characters too, but I'm a guy who needs his nerds.


5) ANYTHING Mr. T

If Chuck Norris and the 'Hoff can be cool again, then Mr. T could be voted president. Conan O'brien is the standard bearer for this movement, but I'm right behind him. You know that if there were some kind of daily motivational Mr. T podcast that were like one sentence long you'd subscribe to it and make it part of your monring routine. In fact, I'm not sure I'd date a chick who didn't.


6) Puff Daddy's No Way Out album

I guess you have to be between 25 and 35 years old for this one. If you were at a party and heard a song from this album, you'd rush the dancefloor. That and you'd be singing this to yourself all day long the day after. Have we, as a nation, already forgot that he had "this rap shit locked for eight straight summers and showed up at the party in eight straight Hummers"??? Not to mention he was "Young black and famous, with money hangin' out da anus"

Even less importantly, but to a similar end- are we ready to hear some New Kids on the Block? As a dude, I'm indifferent but would appreciate the originality of the DJ. I think it would get the girls (of the aforementioned age demographic) dancing though, and that's what everyone wants to happen at a party or club.


7) Molester Sunglasses

Kanye helped bring these back to the forefront (long, long after I did my part) but the trickle-down has not advanced at an encouraging rate. There are WAY too many dudes doing the wrap-around Oakleys thinking they're hot and it's 1998 still, and way way WAY too many girls thinking they're hot in the Jackie O./Nicole Richie/Olsen Twin/ huge-ass bug-eyed sunglasses. These are terrible. If sunglasses don't make you look cooler you are doing something very wrong. No female has ever looked sexier in them. I think they're going for the "this is so cutting edge, I know it looks crappy, but celebrities are doing it and so am I. Actually looking good in shades is so 3 months ago" If you don't think girls look sexiest in the classic all-black shades, Aviators or Molestors, we have nothing in common.


That's the list so far. I'll try to keep you posted on any others. Think about it though.

BRADY QUINN REMEMBERS, and other SURPRISES

by alex hryhorczuk, arh7@georgetown.edu

I wish I spoke a more macho language so I wouldn't have to curse all the time.

This story comes courtesy of my dad. It takes place in a simpler time. One Saturday night, a bunch of guys go out drinking at their usual spot. The next morning, around 10AM, one of the regulars calls the owner of the bar at home sounding desperate, "Roman, when are you opening up today?"
The owner replies, "Christ, buddy. You didn't have enough last night? Sorry but it's Sunday, I can't let you in until noon."
"I don't want to get in," he answers. "I want to get out!" He had passed out on the bathroom floor and got locked inside the bar.

(home team in caps)

Dallas (-3) over PHILADELPHIA: Last week I said I liked the Eagles' chances better away, and then I went ahead and picked Minnesota at home. That was stupid. This week Philadelphia is home, and I'm sticking with my guns. Who will Philly fans boo louder- T.O. or McNabb? Lets not confuse passionate fans with total assholes.

New England (-5.5) over INDIANAPOLIS: So far, anyone who has tried to guess which team has what it takes to play the Patriots close has lost money. Take them all season. In other news, the McRib is back!

Jacksonville (+3.5) over NEW ORLEANS: I'm not impressed with a Saints team that beat a one-dimensional, depleted Seattle squad, then smoked the Atlanta Falcons. I think Jacksonville wins outright so I'm thrilled to get some points.

Seattle (+1) over CLEVELAND: Cleveland has been a real surprise team this year, thanks in large to Derek Anderson's outstanding play. Anderson was a giant prospect over at Oregon State. He is among the elite quarterbacks in Pac-10 history in both passing yards (second only to Carson Palmer) and TD passes, though his teams never finished better than 8-5. I know teammate Brady Quinn remembers getting smoked by the Beavers in the 2004 Insight Bowl thanks to 4TDs, no picks, and 359 yards from Anderson in his last game as a collegiate athlete. It's interesting that Ty Willingham was fired at the end of that season but prior to the bowl game, so the story throughout the game was how Charlie Weiss would inevitably save Notre Dame's football program and sculpt a young Brady Quinn into the NFL's next can't miss quarterback, not Derek Anderson's superior play or the fact that Notre Dame was losing their umpteenth bowl game in a row. Do you think Notre Dame planned it that way so they could generate positive publicity on national TV in lieu of another impending embarrassing bowl loss? What a dumb program at this point. At 6'6", don't be too surprised that Anderson is a good NFL quarterback. Time to trade Brady Quinn. That said, for the Browns to win their 3rd straight, they need more than just a great quarterback, and I still see this team going through some growing pains. Seattle at least has Engram back and possibly Branch, and that should make a big difference. I like a good coach coming out of a bye week against a mid-level opponent. Seattle has to win games like these if they are serious about a run at the Super Bowl. (Thanks to www.pac-10.org for the stats)

Advice You Can Use: (Gambling advice is useless so each week I will try to give you some advice that's actually worthwhile, to justify the time you spent reading this column) Just take the license plates that you were issued. Vanity plates are dumb. Have a great weekend.

THE ANGRY T THOUGHT OF THE DAY: THE END OF THE WORLD IS UPON US

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

In all of my years of parochial K-12 schooling, I was often engaged in debates regarding the accuracy of biblical literature as it pertains to symbolism versus literal translation. Naturally, I was beaten senseless by the nuns and later “consoled” by the priests for said “debates.” Ok, so I wasn’t actually struck or molested by any person of authority in the Catholic Church, but I’ve been told God will forgive you for anything, so what’s one little lie to lead into the main topic of this article?

Last week I realized that atop the BCS rankings for college football are #1 THE Ohio State University Buckeyes and #2 Boston College Eagles. This struck particularly peculiar for me because, historically, this type of meeting has not occurred often in the Earth’s past. Yet, quite possibly, the clashing of such titans may finally end civilization as we know it.

I, Raging M-crates, have seen the stars alignment and must now predict that on January 7, 2008, beginning in the epicenter of New Orleans, LA, the end of the world will occur. I know what you must be thinking. How could I possibly come to such as devastating and completely perfect prophecy? For you, the Angry T reader, I present the evidence:

• New Orleans is the site of one of the most destructive natural disasters of all time. Those who have been haunted by Katrina have described the area as chaotic and lawless.
• The SEC was ranked by major sporting networks and press as the top conference in NCAA football. The ACC, and more importantly, the Big Ten conferences were rated as the worst this year. Sounds like up is down, and down is up. Bizarro world, even.
• Boston College, a school founded by the Society of Jesus in 1863, is “committed to maintaining and strengthening the Jesuit, Catholic mission of the University, and especially its commitment to integrating intellectual, personal, ethical, and religious formation.” I don’t know about you, but sounds pretty “Good Guy” mentality to me.

THE Ohio State University (where T.H.E. stands for “Truth, Hate, Evil”), with team headed by Jim “Grand Master of Darkness, Despair, and D-average student-athletes” Tressel, has recently become the site of the most souls-for-wins contracts with Satan, recently beating out USC & Florida. Former front-runner Nebraska—once the record holding university for devil-based boostering because who the hell would want to live in Nebraska—was finally found guilty in the Ring of Fire appellate division after being accused of breaking contract in 1997 by “praying to God that the Coach’s Poll would not have Michigan ranked #1 like the AP Poll,” thus propelling them into the title of Co-National Champions. The sentence given was 500 years of terrible football, and 250 years of poor corn sales.
?


But above all, I returned to a reading I recalled from years ago that comes from the Book of Revelations in the Bible. Again, I do not wish to push my or anyone else’s religious beliefs onto any reader, but I think this passage secures my prediction. To the readers of The Angry T, pray to whomever your god is that I am wrong:

Book of Revelations 23:14-16

And unto you, I besiege your soul with the completion of thy existence in this world, and that which no longer awaits you in the after-life. For those whom follow the word of Jesus will fight in a great battle for continued civilization, but alas, the serpent will return in the form of a man in a gray sweater vest, stronger and more cunning than history has portrayed, and he will destroy you all and engulf your souls.

GO GREEN, GO BLUE? JUST GO DRINK

U of M v. MSU: Saturday, November 3rd at SWIG (1469 N. Milwaukee in Bucktown)

Whether you are a loyal Wolverine or a die-hard Spartan, you are always up for the big game. This year, step outside your comfort zone and bring the noise. Instead of hitting your team's local watering hole, let's put the rivalry under one roof at SWIG Bar & Grill. Duffy's is so 2004, and the Gin Mill let's in mostly teen boys, so on Saturday, November 3rd at SWIG, LET THE TRASH TALK BEGIN. What better do you have to do at 2pm on a Saturday?

As the Michigan State Spartans host the Michigan Wolverines in one of college football's great rivalry games, prove that you have the balls to yell that incredibly witty insult about the other school in front of someone who actually went to the other school.

No matter where these two teams fit into the rankings, this game almost always becomes an instant classic. There'll be countless specials and a $30 wristband all-you-can-drink option that dares you to drink like a marginally attractive irish girl on St. Patrick's day, from kickoff until the final whistle blows.

Will this year's game go to overtime as it did in two of the last three meetings?

Will East Lansing burn if the Spartans pull out an upset?

Will Mike Hart run all over the Spartan defense or grow his first pube?

Will the Wolverine's special teams shit the bed as they did against the APPALACHIAN STATE junior varsity squad?

Will the Spartans keep enough starters out of jail to contend? If so, will they rape anyone that actually matters?

Is Lloyd Carr past his prime?

Is Mark D'antonio the new sheriff in the Big Ten?

Will SWIG run out of $3 PBR cans? (we better bring in the reserves)

"Go right through for MSU" or "Hail to the Victors"?

It's up to you. Come out. Wear your colors. Enjoy food and drink specials. Watch the game in Hi-Def while talking trash to your rivals. We will split the bar in half and see what happens.

http://www.myspace.com/swigchicago

Come one. Come all. Spartans and Wolverines.

Brought to you by Rivalfish.com and your hosts Mike Mering, MSU '02 and Mike Raspatello UM '03.