To Lou Holtz, from All of Us

by The Collective Sports-Viewing Public

Lou, I didn't want to bring this up while the season was still going on and risk shattering your focus. You seem like a nice old man, like the guy that sells beer to an 11-year-old in a west Texas town without asking questions. What true man and recreational sporting connoisseur can't appreciate that? But now it's the off-season, and in the interest of keeping you from suffering the worst humiliation since Harold Reynolds got booted from his daughter's softball game for rubbing girls' backs below the shoulder blades, we need to talk about something. It has to do with the graphic to the left, but first, why don't you watch this video of yourself.....

Great talk coach, but did you notice something? Sound a little bit like a new orthodontic patient with a face full of cocaine? Yeah, Dude, you're slurring like a drunk. On national television. (By the way, I just want to say it's extremely pimp that you're getting paid at least six figures to sound like Stan's big sister from South Park while thousands of vigilant and ambitious broadcasting majors unsuccessfully try to blow their ways into a Jackson, Missouri field-reporting gig that pays 25k and peaks with coverage of a triple murder.) While the joke may be on us for now, you're job is by no means safe. Affirmative Action is rip-roaring across the land, and there's too many NFL vets retiring every year looking for a career on the tube.

See, Lou, most attractive and TV friendly footballers are black or dark tan, and ESPN is probably on the horn with Junior Seau right now hoping he's ready to stop groveling for a ring and take a job IN YOUR SEAT. As he should....UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE FUCKING DENTURES. I know you don't spend much time putzing around the World Wide Web or the Internets, but the secrets out all over the message boards. You can see it in the lines that represent the decaying bone structure that borders your mouth. Which is fine, you're like 91, and your Richie Cunningham 'do more than makes up for your Ms. Haversham mug. The slurring, however, is not.

But we're here to help. You're slurring because your dentures are too big for your putrid grill. They slip around in your mouth and make you sound like a U of M male cheerleader eager for a load to the forehead. While a little extra adhesive probably wouldn't hurt, it's not time to Fixadent and forget it. Or you'll be forgotten forever, and instead of being considered a poor man's JoPa, you'll be a poor man's Steve Spurrier's molester uncle. We know you can afford the best dental care money can buy, so have I got news for you.......

DENTAL IMPLANTS!

The positives are endless. They're little individual fake teeth that the dentist can screw into your jaw one-by-one. They won't move a nanometer, no matter how many hicks in pickups honk at you as you amble aimlessly across a South Bend highway. Plus, after one installation, they'll last without maintenance until the day in the next 7-9 years that you pass on to the big Fiesta Bowl in the sky......where new West Virginia coach Bill Stewart will probably already be, and lead the Dead Mountaineers over the Dead Irish to avenge the '88 Natty Championship. Because no one leaves an Irish wake in any shape to be playing football. But who cares, Lou, cause you'll go out sounding like the proud motivator your legacy insists you once apparently unbelievably were. You'll have accomplished at least 102 of your 108 goals, and left a coaching legacy that can only be diminished by a gargley mouthful of retarded. Warren wants to know if you've seen his baseball, and his speech patterns. Sorry, we couldn't help it, we mean no disrespect. We just wanted to help. So do something about your little issue and we can all move on. You can thank us later. Now, to Barbara wawawawaWalters, Drew Barrymore, and Mike Tyson....