I HATE DUKE

by III, wald66@hotmail.com

I hate Duke.

After their win over the Tar Heels of North Carolina last Wednesday night, I did what I always do when I hate something really bad and bought a vulgar t-shirt defaming that which I hate. When my roommate and I got into an argument about hippies, I went out the next day and bought a “Hippies Smell” t-shirt (They really do smell. They don’t take showers in order to somehow rebel against modern society and the Republicans). When my brother sent me a message today saying “Go Duke,” I first disowned him and then bought a “Duke Sucks” shirt. Childish? Yes. Simple and to the point? AlsoYes.

But during my conversation with my ex-family member, I got to thinking about some things. First was how someone of my own blood can like JJ Reddick. And two – why do I hate Duke so much? I didn’t go to any of their rival schools. I didn’t even grow up in North Carolina. I have never been on campus. So what is it about Duke that I just don’t like? I bet there are a handful of you reading this now that absolutely hate everything about Duke basketball and you can’t really put your finger on why. After much thinking, I came up with a list. This may help some of you, so pay attention.

1. Mike Shesheski

Yes, he looks like a llama with Down Syndrome. And yes he rubs those fucking rosary beads like it’s a 12 yr old boys schlong. But its more than that. Nobody is as perfect as he pretends to be. When it comes down to it, Coach K is going to hell just like the rest of us. A cornfed white-boy basketball team like Duke doesn’t get a player like Grant Hill without breaking the rules. If you’ve seen Blue Chips, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The guy argues with the refs more than Bobby Knight, but nobody talks about that because the guy supposedly cures cancer with his ball sweat. And we look past the fact that he looks like the mouse version of Hitler.

2. Danny Ferry, Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, JJ Reddick, Greg Paulus

That’s all they do is recruit white guys that can shoot three pointers. Yes, I know Grant Hill, Elton Brand, and Sheldon “My face looks like it got hit by a Mac truck” Williams were black. But if you were watching the UNC game on Wednesday, you saw maybe 2 black guys on the court the entire game. Why is that bad? Black basketball players are better. They are more exciting because they are more athletically gifted. They bring entertainment to a sport that sometimes lacks interest. Duke has chosen to bring in guys that listen to Barry Manilow in the locker room to represent their school. Yes, they’re a good team. But my theory is that wealthy alumni have built a farm out in Bumfuck, Iowa where people like Danny Ferry and Rebecca Lobo just fuck all day and make babies that will grow up on the farm and only be able to shoot three pointers all day long. There will be no driving to the hoop, no dunking, no reverse lay-ups, absolutely no alley-oops of any kind, no crossovers, no dribbling under the legs, not even a no-look pass. They set picks and shoot three pointers. All day long. They don’t go to school, they don’t play baseball, they don’t masterbate. They just shoot three pointers.

3. The Student Body

I know two people from my high school that went to Duke. They were the exact same person – both douche bags. If you look in the stands during the games on tv, you will see two things. A bunch of retarded guys with ridiculous costumes and body paint drunk off of cranberry and vodkas, and the most hideous chicks you have ever seen on a college campus ever. I have been to Raleigh many times. The girls down there are absolutely gorgeous. But I guess that is until you reach the Duke campus. Duke letting an attractive broad into their school would be like BYU letting in Marilyn Manson. It’s not allowed. I think I saw a red-headed Asian in the stands one game. Can you imagine the hideousness of such a creature? What kind of college lets girls in based on grades and good community standing? You need hot chicks on campus to keep all of the nerds motivated. That’s the only way Duke guys will ever get laid is if they graduate and discover a shooting star or cure Herpes. I see the footage of the people in the stands and I get that feeling – like the last Steelers/Browns game I was at – where you just want to hit somebody for no reason besides the fact that they like a team that is so fucking terrible.

If any of this doesn’t make sense, please email me at Idontgiveafuck@blowme.org. Or, watch this video and shit your pants laughing. I admit I got some of my ideas from these geniuses.

Then watch this piece of crap. If you like hearing the word “fuck” you’ll love this one. $45,000 a year for an education, and this is the best they can come up with?