16 Things You’ll Learn at Rothbury’s Circus & Theatre

by Michael Raspatello, Scott Merz, and Shira Enbar - comments@youropinionisterrible.org

It may be hard to determine what Rothbury is all about, with its Emerald City decor and Narnian video game graphics framing a lineup topped by everyone’s ten favorite bands of 2002. But the minute you see the lineup, you’ll immediately ask yourself why they aren’t still your favorite artists in ’08? The emotionally pungent skemo ballad “Amber” should be enough to carry a band’s entire career, let alone a half-decade.

But don’t allow the likes of Snoop and all 11 bands featuring a guy-who-once-knew-a-guy-who-rented-the-same-studio-space-as-the-keyboardist-from-the-Dead be your only purveyors of enlightenment this Independence Weekend. There’s also the Circus and Theater acts, reminding us that being different (or "fringe," as the kids would call it these days) is the still the coolest way to be hip, or the hippest way to be cool.

1. Looks like the part is actually greater than the sum of the whole, or something like that. Amanda Palmer told the rest of The Dresden Dolls to take the weekend off, and decided to make like Paul Simon at this anaugral Rothbury. But I don’t understand why she’s not on the normal lineup but instead considered “circus” or “theater’ish. Wait, just watched a video of her, now I get it. She’s like the scariest-yet-greatest-yet-hottest conductor in a savant child’s nightmare. I want to use her to both enrich and punish my kids someday.

2. Being homeless, filthy, and devious can also be sexy. A hobo cabaret eh, Yard Dogs Road Show? Let’s combine two old-fashion words for sleazy and timeless institutions and call it a party. Works for me. Remember that show Carnivale that was on HBO after Sopranos and before Six Feet Under? Yeah, the one nobody watched. It’s like that but all the characters are also musicians and either hot gay guys or strippers that like interrupting concerts with stripteases. It really could be worse, and it might make you wish you had been born to a carney with good genes. If there were such a thing.

3. The easiest way to get booked at Rothbury’s Circus & Theatre is to refer to yourself as a “freak” on your website. Mucca Pazza makes it 3-for-3 in my little foray into the C & T lineup. But aren’t we all freaks? If you were ever in the high school marching band and wished the cheerleaders were into doing you after the show, you’ll probably latently idolize this band. And there’s plenty of them to emulate, as their roster boasts 32 members. Nevertheless, because you spent your entire childhood trying to earn an athletic scholarship, every one of them is now more talented than you are.

4. Beware of ironic names when hoping for hot chicks. The fellas behind Project Jenny, Project Jan are, in fact, dudes who defy both gender roles and non-visual description. Imagine if you could act like a rambling asshole with a head-full of nitrous, more giddy than the time you found the NES games your mom bought you for Christmas three days early, and entertain gaggles of concertgoers in the process. You wouldn’t be sitting here reading this shit, for one, and you’d be able to sell your folks on devoting your life to marrying the sounds of Pink Floyd, Depeche Mode, and G Love, for two. I can’t even sell my folks on the same Cutco Spatula Spreader they bought from 4 other kids on our block. That’s not a joke, they’re way anti-nepotism.

5. Evelyn Evelyn, the world’s only living conjoined-twin singer-songwriter duo. Well at least no one’s getting exploited around here. Jason Webley, is this the kind of immoral filth you had to agree to for that Dresden Doll vixen to sleep with you? Nice move. Hell, I’d imitate a preemie with Hep C who could play the flute if it got me in certain girls’ pants. Do some research and you’ll see what I'm talking about. And you’ll share my very sentiment: “Touche, when do these guys hit the stage?”

6. Your grandmother would hate Rothbury.
“Nana’s” Alzheimer’s give her enough paranoia and hallucinations naturally to negate the need and desire to witness SXIP Shirey’s madness. A sound artist who could find a way to replicate the melody of the creepy theme from Twin Peaks if given only a clogged toilet, a plunger and a half-gallon of worcestershire sauce is a sight to be seen... but not by grandma.

7. If at first you don’t succeed… try, try to become a comedian. After not reaping the bountiful “successes” that Kurt Cobain did on the Seattle music scene in the 90’s, Reggie Watts decided not to blow HIS brain out - but yours… with laughter!!! Not exactly your standard stand-up “R Dubs” (as now only 1 person actually calls him) finds a niche somewhere in the middle of a three-way Venn diagram of comedy, loop sampling and abstract social commentary.

8. If you can’t find your entertainment niche in a current genre of entertainment, pick 10 and meld them together. Meow Meow is blessed with a great voice, well-shaped breast fat and an impressive nicotine habit manages to shape-shift from the psychotic to cool to kitsch cabaret, multimedia performance art to improv comedy and then to virtuosic contemporary opera… since you know, boobs, vocals and a willingness to show off both aren’t enough. Let your inner-Simon Cowell or just your boner do the judging, but they’ll likely come to the same conclusion.

9. Accordions are awesome. Punk + folk + accordion + general awesomeness = Jason Webley. In the Spring of 1998 Jason quit his day job, picked up his accordion and hopped on a Greyhound bus with the intention of playing in the streets until his money ran out. He’s still hustling and with lyrics like, “If the glass is full / drink up, drink up / this may be the last time we see this cup. / If God wanted us sober / he'd knock the glass over / so while it is full / we drink up” Rothbury will be listening in between celebratory vomiting fits. Don’t ask.

10. If a picture says a thousand words a “moving picture” says about a billion words. Sometimes a writer needs to know when to step aside and acknowledge the fact that the English language is not capable of aptly describing the absurdity and entertainment value of certain visuals. This is one such instance. Ladies and gentleman, Trixie Little & the Evil Hate Monkey doing an interpretive dance of a woman and her sexually charged Evil Hate Monkey courting one another.

11. At least two people on Earth have the phrase “classically trained pole dancer” on their resume. Yep, pole dancers exotically dancing to They Might Be Giants. Gravity Plays Favorites has apparently slid down more poles than Fred Schneider. These aint your average Muskegon strippers.

12. If you’re not sure which single act to catch at the C &T, then you should probably not miss Sxip's Hour of Charm. This is pretty much an orgy of performers including Amanda Palmer, Reggie Watts, Meow Meow, Jason Webley, Una Minmaugh, Trixie Litte & the Evil Hate Monkey, Gravity Plays Favorites and Sxip Shirey. I can’t imagine the offspring that would be created from such an event, but it’s probably the creepy guy in your high school that dressed up in a mammogram machine costume… on Arbor Day.

13. All those hours spent hoola-hooping in your backyard as a kid because you didn't have cable could have really paid off if you had kept up with it...or didn't eventually get cable. Just take it from the The Kaivalya Hoop Dancers. We're not talking simple maneuvers here, we're talking lights, colors, zen-inducing surprises, and, from the looks of it, a high likelihood of sensory-enhancing drugs. Ok fine, if these ladies aren't on drugs, then their parents took them while they were in the womb. Either way, the moves are rad. Rothbury attendees get the pleasure of seeing this harmonious posse join forces with with a team of fire-taming artists called Cosmic Fire. You will be one with their props. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need go dig out my old Skip-It from my parents garage and learn how to make history.

14. When craving a juicy burlesque show but can't leave the office early, sometimes all you need to do is close your eyes and listen. Listen to the retro-mix grooves of New York based DJ Momo Taro, that is. As a frequent spinner in the burlesque club circuit, he is as well-versed in vaudeville debauchery as it gets. At Rothbury, allow him to take you on a boobie-tassell extravaganza!

15. NOT all professional jugglers-for-hire look like the have a propensity towards fondling the young party-goers. For proof, check out Jason Kollum. Totally normal looking dude! But after seeing his smooth moves, you may want to kick his ass anyway for making multi-tasking appear to be so damn easy.

16. Fire hurts. Right? I mean maybe Mom was f*cking with me all those years, because apparently gyrating to dungeon music with fire in the palms of your hands is not only non-fatal, but quite entertaining. The members of the Vesuvius Tribe can show you all about it. Expect the unexpected. Also expect to wonder if that quiet chick from senior year study hall is the torch-wielding one with the thick eyeliner.