Fat On A Bus

By: T.R. Slyder




I saw this on the bus yesterday.

If I told you to point to this woman's lap, where would you point? What if my next question then were, "Ok, now point to her kneecaps"? Is one's "lap" really supposed to be at a 45 degree angle?

And I realized I may be a bit old fashioned, but aren't skirts supposed to cover parts other than just your butt and your FUPA ? Parts like, oh, I don't know.....your crotch? I first noticed this woman when I was standing in the aisle and facing toward her. Immediately I could see right up her skirt and I was thinking, "I don't think I'm supposed to be seeing what I am seeing." Luckily this fat disaster was averted by, guess what? More fat- in the form of her cartoonishly-proportioned cellulite obstructing my view of anything more private. I never thought I'd say this- but thank God for enormous thighs.

I learned a lot on the bus that day. I learned that the point of having your child sit on your lap is in fact, not providing a comfortable and intimate place for them to rest, but is instead to acclimate them to rock climbing. Lap-sitting is a contemplative, quiet time where kids can think about how precious life is- and how it would likely all be gone if their hands slipped off from around mommy's neck. It's about being thankful that you're wearing a diaper because mom's heavily-meated tentacles are pressing your tiny bladder into her huge FUPA, where her lap ought to be. It's about your mom flashing her privates to everyone wealthy enough to afford the $2 bus fare on the Chicago Transit Authority, only your mom being too fat to be publicly indecent.