T.R.'s Assumptive Movie Reviews

By T.R. Slyder

I have not actually seen any of these movies, but usually my assumptions about movies are pretty accurate. So here it goes.

Dark Knight- Great writing and directing; Chicago has never looked better or scarier. This film features outstanding special effects and a surprisingly in-depth plot for a comic book movie. *Spoiler Alert* I heard the joker died. In real life I mean. I have no idea if he does in the movie or not. Just so you know.

Get Smart- Steve Carrell shows his acting depth here by playing the same character from the Office, only this time his name is Maxwell Smart and not Michael Scott. In addition to his daring performance, the plot is true to the whimsical sitcom of old and is sure to please even its most ardent purists. It should also be noted that Anne Hathaway is a major babe.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson- (this is the one movie here I seriously did see) This movie is really effing awesome. If Hunter has ever amused you on any level or you have ever wished you knew more about him, this movie is a one-stop-shopping godsend. It's filmed in HD which was a pleasant surprise and was exciting to see on the big screen. His story is entertaining enough, but this documentary is exceptionally well done independent of Thompson's story. The writing and directing are crisp and informative, the visuals are fantastic and the soundtrack is awesome- a true delight for the senses. The testimonials from people that knew him are hilarious and never got old. Even though I was disappointed Gonzo the Great from the Muppets was not in the movie, it was still a total winner.

Hancock: Putrid. More over-acting from Will Smith yet again. This time he's a boozeaholic and apparently possesses more super-human powers than any super-hero ever, even though he's a recovering addict. Shouldn't super heroes start out as comic books first? It's like the Fresh Prince meets Superman meets someone who is annoying and over-acts the part of a drunk, yet somehow has a ton of heat on his career in Hollywood in real life. That formula never seems to do it for me. Call me old fashioned. Not only would I rate this a "Do Not See" I'd take it one step further and give it a rating of "Don't just NOT see it, make fun of those that do, then when they try to explain why it doesn't suck, interrupt them and tell them that you seriously are not capable of caring".

The Happening: No goddamn way. Marky Mark. John Leg-wiz-amo (isn't that Spanish for "I love leg wiz"?). Directed by M. Night. Shama-lama-ding-dong. Apparently this movie actually exists and isn't a joke listing in the paper. Hilarious. If you do see it, just lie to me and tell me you've never heard of it. That way I can go on respecting you. In all seriousness, I didn't know this was a real movie and as I was looking over the movie listings to base this entry on, I saw this and started laughing aloud and wondered how wealthy I'd have to be to fund this movie. These jokes just write themselves.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: This movie has the feel of one of those aging bands from the 70's doing a reunion tour because they are all need the money. But on the other hand it's a bit like getting back in the arms of a familiar lover. Fun, and comfortable, if a bit predictable. Plus it's nice to hear the theme music again. *Spoiler Alert* I'm guessing that there's a scene toward the beginning where Indy is placed in harm's way and his life is in jeopardy. He doesn't die. Nor is he maimed. He gets out unscathed and lives to make another sequel.

Iron Man: Did this comic book really warrant a movie? Come on, Hollywood. Batman, Spider Man, Fantastic Four, Incredible Hulk, at least those were all outstanding comic books/characters. No one read Iron Man comics when I was a kid. This movie was surprisingly decent, but I couldn't help wondering how much better it would be if Robert Downey Jr.'s character were the character from that new military movie he's in where he plays a black guy. A white guy playing a black guy that moonlights as a super hero would be pretty damn awesome.

Kitt Kittridge: An American Girl: Apparently R. Kelly found this enthralling. Hi-Oooooo.

Kung Fu Panda: All the spazzy splendor of Jack Black but without having to look at him and his cocaine eyes. It was a true shame because based on his physique, it looked like he'd been training for this role for years. Which now that I think about it, is kinda like how the guy in the Darth Vader suit actually spoke every one of his lines in his suit because no one told him that his vocals were getting voiced-over in editing. I bet Jack Black did the same thing here and had no idea it was Pixar-y type movie, so he added wait to adopt a panda-like physique. How many animated animal movies can there fucking be? Happy Feet, March of the Penguins, Finding Nemo, Shrek (to some extent), Antz, Madagascar, A Bugs Life, Ratatouille, Shark Tales. Can't Pixar make non-animal movies? Is this all Hollywood thinks is necessary for a kids movie? The intelligence of my inner-child is insulted. I guess it's better for kids than Princess movies, but some more originality would be appreciated.

The Last Mistress: Um, this movie was really good. Like, uh, too good kinda. I'd rate this movie "Pee-Wee Hermantastic"- best watched in the privacy of one's own home and not in the theater if you know what I mean...

The Love Guru: Somehow this movie is so bad, Mike Myers managed to make himself seem even more annoying, thereby cheapening an otherwise outstanding Austin Powers and Wayne's World franchise. I just wish this movie didn't exist. Mike's trying too hard here. Apparently the foolproof formula of Mike Myers playing an Indian guy and Justin Timerblake in a thong isn't foolproof for the younger male demographic. Who knew?Speaking of Wayne's World, doesn't Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports (left) kind of have a Garth-mouth?Mamma Mia: This is a movie about women and their feelings. And how sometimes, when they are nearing their wedding date, their feelings can be even less rational than normal. So much so in fact, that it's worth making a broadway play about , then a movie based on that play. I liked this movie as much as I like women's feelings. Two thumbs down.

Sex and The City: This movie was long and really sucked. It should have been titled and subtitled. "Sex and the City: Ladies who Lunch (and during those lunches talk a lot about sexual intercourse, male ineptitude- sexual and otherwise, while making a ton of scripted puns). If listening to women blab to other women about their womanly problems, while drinking pastel/fluorescent-hued cocktails is your kinda movie- then this is your kinda movie. That being said, if you're a gay guy this movie is a great place to meet like-minded gentleman. Seriously though, if you like crappy movies, than this is the movie for you.

Space Chimps: YES. YES. YES. YES and more YES. FINALLY animators got it right with animal movies. Everyone loves chimps. Everyone. Young, old, smart, stupid, skinny, fat, rich, poor. Everyone. I wanted to see this kids movie so badly that I almost kidnapped a kid, took him/her to the movie with me, then gave them back afterward. Any movie that gives me an excuse to link to this, about my all-time favorite astronaut, HAM the Chimpanzee, is a winner in my book. That link is actually recommended reading before the film as the protagonist is his grandson.

This is a great date movie, great movie to see after smoking, great movie to see with kids, great movie to see by yourself. If it doesn't win this year's Academy Award for "Best Chimp Movie" I'll be shocked. Shocked. Let's hope this starts a new sub-genre of Chimp movies that will become known as "Chimpsploitation". Roger Ebert described this film as having "lots of wiz bang action". The same can be said for the R. Kelly sex tape, if you catch my drift. Helllo-Ooooo. Ow!

Wall-E: Sucked. If I'm gonna partake of a preachy message-wrapped-inside- a-cuddly-kids-story, I'll go with Dr. Seuss, thanks. This was just poorly-veiled animated preaching. I was expecting all kids 6 and under to get a stuffed Al Gore teddy bear free with their admission. I like how this anti- littering infomercial is being played in a movie theater- where you buy popcorn, soda and gummi bears, then after eating it you just leave all your wrappers on the floor and leave. Great idea Hollywood.