T.R.'s Assumptive Movie Reviews

By T.R. Slyder

I have not actually seen any of these movies, but usually my assumptions about movies are pretty accurate. So here it goes.

Dark Knight- Great writing and directing; Chicago has never looked better or scarier. This film features outstanding special effects and a surprisingly in-depth plot for a comic book movie. *Spoiler Alert* I heard the joker died. In real life I mean. I have no idea if he does in the movie or not. Just so you know.

Get Smart- Steve Carrell shows his acting depth here by playing the same character from the Office, only this time his name is Maxwell Smart and not Michael Scott. In addition to his daring performance, the plot is true to the whimsical sitcom of old and is sure to please even its most ardent purists. It should also be noted that Anne Hathaway is a major babe.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson- (this is the one movie here I seriously did see) This movie is really effing awesome. If Hunter has ever amused you on any level or you have ever wished you knew more about him, this movie is a one-stop-shopping godsend. It's filmed in HD which was a pleasant surprise and was exciting to see on the big screen. His story is entertaining enough, but this documentary is exceptionally well done independent of Thompson's story. The writing and directing are crisp and informative, the visuals are fantastic and the soundtrack is awesome- a true delight for the senses. The testimonials from people that knew him are hilarious and never got old. Even though I was disappointed Gonzo the Great from the Muppets was not in the movie, it was still a total winner.

Hancock: Putrid. More over-acting from Will Smith yet again. This time he's a boozeaholic and apparently possesses more super-human powers than any super-hero ever, even though he's a recovering addict. Shouldn't super heroes start out as comic books first? It's like the Fresh Prince meets Superman meets someone who is annoying and over-acts the part of a drunk, yet somehow has a ton of heat on his career in Hollywood in real life. That formula never seems to do it for me. Call me old fashioned. Not only would I rate this a "Do Not See" I'd take it one step further and give it a rating of "Don't just NOT see it, make fun of those that do, then when they try to explain why it doesn't suck, interrupt them and tell them that you seriously are not capable of caring".

The Happening: No goddamn way. Marky Mark. John Leg-wiz-amo (isn't that Spanish for "I love leg wiz"?). Directed by M. Night. Shama-lama-ding-dong. Apparently this movie actually exists and isn't a joke listing in the paper. Hilarious. If you do see it, just lie to me and tell me you've never heard of it. That way I can go on respecting you. In all seriousness, I didn't know this was a real movie and as I was looking over the movie listings to base this entry on, I saw this and started laughing aloud and wondered how wealthy I'd have to be to fund this movie. These jokes just write themselves.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: This movie has the feel of one of those aging bands from the 70's doing a reunion tour because they are all need the money. But on the other hand it's a bit like getting back in the arms of a familiar lover. Fun, and comfortable, if a bit predictable. Plus it's nice to hear the theme music again. *Spoiler Alert* I'm guessing that there's a scene toward the beginning where Indy is placed in harm's way and his life is in jeopardy. He doesn't die. Nor is he maimed. He gets out unscathed and lives to make another sequel.

Iron Man: Did this comic book really warrant a movie? Come on, Hollywood. Batman, Spider Man, Fantastic Four, Incredible Hulk, at least those were all outstanding comic books/characters. No one read Iron Man comics when I was a kid. This movie was surprisingly decent, but I couldn't help wondering how much better it would be if Robert Downey Jr.'s character were the character from that new military movie he's in where he plays a black guy. A white guy playing a black guy that moonlights as a super hero would be pretty damn awesome.

Kitt Kittridge: An American Girl: Apparently R. Kelly found this enthralling. Hi-Oooooo.

Kung Fu Panda: All the spazzy splendor of Jack Black but without having to look at him and his cocaine eyes. It was a true shame because based on his physique, it looked like he'd been training for this role for years. Which now that I think about it, is kinda like how the guy in the Darth Vader suit actually spoke every one of his lines in his suit because no one told him that his vocals were getting voiced-over in editing. I bet Jack Black did the same thing here and had no idea it was Pixar-y type movie, so he added wait to adopt a panda-like physique. How many animated animal movies can there fucking be? Happy Feet, March of the Penguins, Finding Nemo, Shrek (to some extent), Antz, Madagascar, A Bugs Life, Ratatouille, Shark Tales. Can't Pixar make non-animal movies? Is this all Hollywood thinks is necessary for a kids movie? The intelligence of my inner-child is insulted. I guess it's better for kids than Princess movies, but some more originality would be appreciated.

The Last Mistress: Um, this movie was really good. Like, uh, too good kinda. I'd rate this movie "Pee-Wee Hermantastic"- best watched in the privacy of one's own home and not in the theater if you know what I mean...

The Love Guru: Somehow this movie is so bad, Mike Myers managed to make himself seem even more annoying, thereby cheapening an otherwise outstanding Austin Powers and Wayne's World franchise. I just wish this movie didn't exist. Mike's trying too hard here. Apparently the foolproof formula of Mike Myers playing an Indian guy and Justin Timerblake in a thong isn't foolproof for the younger male demographic. Who knew?Speaking of Wayne's World, doesn't Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports (left) kind of have a Garth-mouth?Mamma Mia: This is a movie about women and their feelings. And how sometimes, when they are nearing their wedding date, their feelings can be even less rational than normal. So much so in fact, that it's worth making a broadway play about , then a movie based on that play. I liked this movie as much as I like women's feelings. Two thumbs down.

Sex and The City: This movie was long and really sucked. It should have been titled and subtitled. "Sex and the City: Ladies who Lunch (and during those lunches talk a lot about sexual intercourse, male ineptitude- sexual and otherwise, while making a ton of scripted puns). If listening to women blab to other women about their womanly problems, while drinking pastel/fluorescent-hued cocktails is your kinda movie- then this is your kinda movie. That being said, if you're a gay guy this movie is a great place to meet like-minded gentleman. Seriously though, if you like crappy movies, than this is the movie for you.

Space Chimps: YES. YES. YES. YES and more YES. FINALLY animators got it right with animal movies. Everyone loves chimps. Everyone. Young, old, smart, stupid, skinny, fat, rich, poor. Everyone. I wanted to see this kids movie so badly that I almost kidnapped a kid, took him/her to the movie with me, then gave them back afterward. Any movie that gives me an excuse to link to this, about my all-time favorite astronaut, HAM the Chimpanzee, is a winner in my book. That link is actually recommended reading before the film as the protagonist is his grandson.

This is a great date movie, great movie to see after smoking, great movie to see with kids, great movie to see by yourself. If it doesn't win this year's Academy Award for "Best Chimp Movie" I'll be shocked. Shocked. Let's hope this starts a new sub-genre of Chimp movies that will become known as "Chimpsploitation". Roger Ebert described this film as having "lots of wiz bang action". The same can be said for the R. Kelly sex tape, if you catch my drift. Helllo-Ooooo. Ow!

Wall-E: Sucked. If I'm gonna partake of a preachy message-wrapped-inside- a-cuddly-kids-story, I'll go with Dr. Seuss, thanks. This was just poorly-veiled animated preaching. I was expecting all kids 6 and under to get a stuffed Al Gore teddy bear free with their admission. I like how this anti- littering infomercial is being played in a movie theater- where you buy popcorn, soda and gummi bears, then after eating it you just leave all your wrappers on the floor and leave. Great idea Hollywood.

Fat Fall Friday

By: T.R. Slyder

Who loves ya, baby?

ESPN Breaking News....

Exclusive By T.R. Slyder

I just received word that earlier today ESPN's John Clayton was granted an exclusive sit-down interview with Osama Bid Laden. Due to security constraints he was permitted only one question and the initial buzz is that the question he asked was whether or not he felt Brett Favre should come back or not...Developing....

See Barack's been, uhhh, braggin' about how he has two nuts....

By: T.R. Slyder

We've all seen the video. It's Hilarious. Two things that maybe are under the radar here. 1) By "black people" Jackson might mean, "me" since news surfaced a few years ago that he fathered a child out of wedlock. And 2) How come no one has been talking about the little shoulder shimmy/grunt combo he does after he says he want to cut his nuts off? It's at the 11 second mark. Watch his right shoulder. He makes a real emphatic facial gesture, shoulder shimmy and grunt combo that's akin to when you might talk about wanting to kick someone's ass you pound your fist into your open hand and maybe make some kinda grunt. It looks like he's trying to start a lawn mower. It's subtle, but don't confuse subtle with "non-awesome". Enjoy.



You can't get your Reverendship revoked for calling someone the n-word and expressing a desire to cut their nuts off? I mean, isn't part of being a reverened person like, not partaking of those things? If you threaten to cut my nuts off, do I then have to call you Reverened? Trick question, I don't have nuts! Ok, I do. But still.

Is it just me?

By: T.R. Slyder




Am I the only person that has noticed that EVERY single time I walk by a 20-something chick on her mobile phone that she's bitching about some guy? It isn't that I assume this is all that women talk about, but it is what I overhear whenever I walk by, kinda like how every time you flip the channel to ESPN they're talking about the American League East. Sure, they talk about other things at times, but it's just that whenever you happen to click over- it's the AL East.



Yesterday I overheard how some guy was taking out the trash, but didn't replace the garbage bag which, earned a perturbed, "Helloooo, that isn't doing the job", an hour later I overheard "Well, if he is serious about making this work he'll cut back on his drinking....or stop it all together....I mean almost getting in a fight everytime we go out? That isn't all that fun for me." The person on the other end really cares about this? Seriously?

Battle of awful/sweet rap songs

Here are the two contestants. Much like the 2007 NFC Championship, this one pits Chicago against New Orleans.

For the first video just fast forward to the 1:50 mark. The first 1:50 is a bunch of dudes talking in a barbershop and the acoustics are awful and you can't understand a word they are saying.




VS.






Feel free to vote in the Comments section below and why you voted for that song.

These videos exemplify my theory of absolute value in entertainment. Much like how the absolute value of -87 is 87, I think a video that's REALLY not good, is actually REALLY good. Everyone loves a few awful or campy movies, or lame country songs. My genre is crap rap. What's your guilty movie/song pleausre?

Amusing Cardinals fan

By: T.R. Slyder

Even if you aren't amused by this at first, wait until the 2:30 mark where Jim Edmonds is interviewed before you make your final judgement.

(tip of the hat to www.desipio.com for running this a few weeks earlier)

Great All-Star Game, Selig. No. Seriously.

By: T.R. Slyder

There are only so many ways to describe when something is boring. So I won't bore you with trying to describe last night's All-Star game. But I do have a suggestion for a rule tweaking for future All-Star Games.

Allow players to enter/exit the game more than once, like in little league. Since this game has devolved into a fan-centered exhibition in the last 20 years, but now "means something" we need some rule tweaking to mitigate the two worlds. This rule would do just that.

As it is currently, the best (or most popular) players start the game, but then for the sake of fan-pleasing, are always substituted for 1-4 innings later. This guarantees that the best players will not finish the game. In a real game that "means something", you want your best players playing at the end. As a National League fan, I wanted Dan Uggla out of the game, and I would have liked Pujols to get an at-bat in one of the final 11 innings of the game. I had to endure Uggla going 0-4 with 3 strikeouts. If my rule were adopted, you could have the best of both worlds- start the leading vote-getters, substitute them with the reserves, get a feel for who's playing well, then finish with your best team on the field.

It's too bad that game wound up being Adrian Gonzales, David Wright, Dan Uggla and Christian Guzman versus Dioner Navarro, Carlos Guillen, Ian Kinsler, Justin Morneau and JD Drew. These aren't the players the fans most wanted to see. Do you know which pitcher pitched the most innings last night? David Cook. I'd never heard of him either. Did the fans really demand that?

My favorite team is the Cubs, if this game determines home field advantage in the world series- this game affects my team (let's be honest, they at least have a chance to make it) much more than it does Christian Guzman's Nationals or David Wright's Mets. Yet Aramis Ramirez had one plate appearance (drawing a walk from Mariano Rivera) then was pitch ran for. Thanks for coming out. You just lost home field advantage (if you get that far).

If my rule were in place, Clint Hurdle could have at least said "Jeez, it's late and I'm tired. I don't want to be here and I don't blame anyone else for not wanting to play. But I know some guys that should care- Fukudome, Soto, Ramirez, Pujols, Braun, Hardy, Hanley Ramirez, et al.- you guys get out there, at least you care." If there were any players that could have kept the fans at Yankee Stadium until 1:41, they certainly were not on the field in the 15th inning.

Fat On A Bus

By: T.R. Slyder




I saw this on the bus yesterday.

If I told you to point to this woman's lap, where would you point? What if my next question then were, "Ok, now point to her kneecaps"? Is one's "lap" really supposed to be at a 45 degree angle?

And I realized I may be a bit old fashioned, but aren't skirts supposed to cover parts other than just your butt and your FUPA ? Parts like, oh, I don't know.....your crotch? I first noticed this woman when I was standing in the aisle and facing toward her. Immediately I could see right up her skirt and I was thinking, "I don't think I'm supposed to be seeing what I am seeing." Luckily this fat disaster was averted by, guess what? More fat- in the form of her cartoonishly-proportioned cellulite obstructing my view of anything more private. I never thought I'd say this- but thank God for enormous thighs.

I learned a lot on the bus that day. I learned that the point of having your child sit on your lap is in fact, not providing a comfortable and intimate place for them to rest, but is instead to acclimate them to rock climbing. Lap-sitting is a contemplative, quiet time where kids can think about how precious life is- and how it would likely all be gone if their hands slipped off from around mommy's neck. It's about being thankful that you're wearing a diaper because mom's heavily-meated tentacles are pressing your tiny bladder into her huge FUPA, where her lap ought to be. It's about your mom flashing her privates to everyone wealthy enough to afford the $2 bus fare on the Chicago Transit Authority, only your mom being too fat to be publicly indecent.

Stay classy, New Yorker magazine

By: T.R. Slyder

Once again a New Yorker's arrogance is laughable. This time it isn't just a New Yorker it's The New Yorker. Magazine. While I believe their claims that they are being satirical and not attempting to be racist, I believe equally that it's a horrible, horrible idea.

Let's recap. The magazine's cover image is a visual representation of the most racist and xenophobic said (or whispered) about Obama- that he's muslim, that Michelle is too edgy, he's anti-American (flag in the fireplace), and that whatever it is about being black that whites don't understand is something to be feared.

Unquestionably the cover is, at the very least, challenging. What makes this magazine arrogant is their handling of it, the editors implication being "Oh, of course it's racist. But we can say it because it's obvious we don't mean it. We're satirizing racists like FoxNews who probably would run an image like this on their network."

My question for the editor is: How is this different than a person of one race using a racial epithet toward another race, but then claiming "Oh dude trust me, it's ok when I say it. I'm not racist at all, and I'm fully aware of the absurdity of that word. In fact, I'm SO un-racist, that I've transcended racism and I'm now at a point where I'm free to use racial slurs whenever I'd like. Consequence free- THAT's how unracist I am."?

Even if you could theoretically make racially-insensitive remarks all day long, but in a satirical way, and get away with it (kids, don't attempt that at home), aren't you still a total chach for doing it?

16 Things You’ll Learn at Rothbury’s Circus & Theatre

by Michael Raspatello, Scott Merz, and Shira Enbar - comments@youropinionisterrible.org

It may be hard to determine what Rothbury is all about, with its Emerald City decor and Narnian video game graphics framing a lineup topped by everyone’s ten favorite bands of 2002. But the minute you see the lineup, you’ll immediately ask yourself why they aren’t still your favorite artists in ’08? The emotionally pungent skemo ballad “Amber” should be enough to carry a band’s entire career, let alone a half-decade.

But don’t allow the likes of Snoop and all 11 bands featuring a guy-who-once-knew-a-guy-who-rented-the-same-studio-space-as-the-keyboardist-from-the-Dead be your only purveyors of enlightenment this Independence Weekend. There’s also the Circus and Theater acts, reminding us that being different (or "fringe," as the kids would call it these days) is the still the coolest way to be hip, or the hippest way to be cool.

1. Looks like the part is actually greater than the sum of the whole, or something like that. Amanda Palmer told the rest of The Dresden Dolls to take the weekend off, and decided to make like Paul Simon at this anaugral Rothbury. But I don’t understand why she’s not on the normal lineup but instead considered “circus” or “theater’ish. Wait, just watched a video of her, now I get it. She’s like the scariest-yet-greatest-yet-hottest conductor in a savant child’s nightmare. I want to use her to both enrich and punish my kids someday.

2. Being homeless, filthy, and devious can also be sexy. A hobo cabaret eh, Yard Dogs Road Show? Let’s combine two old-fashion words for sleazy and timeless institutions and call it a party. Works for me. Remember that show Carnivale that was on HBO after Sopranos and before Six Feet Under? Yeah, the one nobody watched. It’s like that but all the characters are also musicians and either hot gay guys or strippers that like interrupting concerts with stripteases. It really could be worse, and it might make you wish you had been born to a carney with good genes. If there were such a thing.

3. The easiest way to get booked at Rothbury’s Circus & Theatre is to refer to yourself as a “freak” on your website. Mucca Pazza makes it 3-for-3 in my little foray into the C & T lineup. But aren’t we all freaks? If you were ever in the high school marching band and wished the cheerleaders were into doing you after the show, you’ll probably latently idolize this band. And there’s plenty of them to emulate, as their roster boasts 32 members. Nevertheless, because you spent your entire childhood trying to earn an athletic scholarship, every one of them is now more talented than you are.

4. Beware of ironic names when hoping for hot chicks. The fellas behind Project Jenny, Project Jan are, in fact, dudes who defy both gender roles and non-visual description. Imagine if you could act like a rambling asshole with a head-full of nitrous, more giddy than the time you found the NES games your mom bought you for Christmas three days early, and entertain gaggles of concertgoers in the process. You wouldn’t be sitting here reading this shit, for one, and you’d be able to sell your folks on devoting your life to marrying the sounds of Pink Floyd, Depeche Mode, and G Love, for two. I can’t even sell my folks on the same Cutco Spatula Spreader they bought from 4 other kids on our block. That’s not a joke, they’re way anti-nepotism.

5. Evelyn Evelyn, the world’s only living conjoined-twin singer-songwriter duo. Well at least no one’s getting exploited around here. Jason Webley, is this the kind of immoral filth you had to agree to for that Dresden Doll vixen to sleep with you? Nice move. Hell, I’d imitate a preemie with Hep C who could play the flute if it got me in certain girls’ pants. Do some research and you’ll see what I'm talking about. And you’ll share my very sentiment: “Touche, when do these guys hit the stage?”

6. Your grandmother would hate Rothbury.
“Nana’s” Alzheimer’s give her enough paranoia and hallucinations naturally to negate the need and desire to witness SXIP Shirey’s madness. A sound artist who could find a way to replicate the melody of the creepy theme from Twin Peaks if given only a clogged toilet, a plunger and a half-gallon of worcestershire sauce is a sight to be seen... but not by grandma.

7. If at first you don’t succeed… try, try to become a comedian. After not reaping the bountiful “successes” that Kurt Cobain did on the Seattle music scene in the 90’s, Reggie Watts decided not to blow HIS brain out - but yours… with laughter!!! Not exactly your standard stand-up “R Dubs” (as now only 1 person actually calls him) finds a niche somewhere in the middle of a three-way Venn diagram of comedy, loop sampling and abstract social commentary.

8. If you can’t find your entertainment niche in a current genre of entertainment, pick 10 and meld them together. Meow Meow is blessed with a great voice, well-shaped breast fat and an impressive nicotine habit manages to shape-shift from the psychotic to cool to kitsch cabaret, multimedia performance art to improv comedy and then to virtuosic contemporary opera… since you know, boobs, vocals and a willingness to show off both aren’t enough. Let your inner-Simon Cowell or just your boner do the judging, but they’ll likely come to the same conclusion.

9. Accordions are awesome. Punk + folk + accordion + general awesomeness = Jason Webley. In the Spring of 1998 Jason quit his day job, picked up his accordion and hopped on a Greyhound bus with the intention of playing in the streets until his money ran out. He’s still hustling and with lyrics like, “If the glass is full / drink up, drink up / this may be the last time we see this cup. / If God wanted us sober / he'd knock the glass over / so while it is full / we drink up” Rothbury will be listening in between celebratory vomiting fits. Don’t ask.

10. If a picture says a thousand words a “moving picture” says about a billion words. Sometimes a writer needs to know when to step aside and acknowledge the fact that the English language is not capable of aptly describing the absurdity and entertainment value of certain visuals. This is one such instance. Ladies and gentleman, Trixie Little & the Evil Hate Monkey doing an interpretive dance of a woman and her sexually charged Evil Hate Monkey courting one another.

11. At least two people on Earth have the phrase “classically trained pole dancer” on their resume. Yep, pole dancers exotically dancing to They Might Be Giants. Gravity Plays Favorites has apparently slid down more poles than Fred Schneider. These aint your average Muskegon strippers.

12. If you’re not sure which single act to catch at the C &T, then you should probably not miss Sxip's Hour of Charm. This is pretty much an orgy of performers including Amanda Palmer, Reggie Watts, Meow Meow, Jason Webley, Una Minmaugh, Trixie Litte & the Evil Hate Monkey, Gravity Plays Favorites and Sxip Shirey. I can’t imagine the offspring that would be created from such an event, but it’s probably the creepy guy in your high school that dressed up in a mammogram machine costume… on Arbor Day.

13. All those hours spent hoola-hooping in your backyard as a kid because you didn't have cable could have really paid off if you had kept up with it...or didn't eventually get cable. Just take it from the The Kaivalya Hoop Dancers. We're not talking simple maneuvers here, we're talking lights, colors, zen-inducing surprises, and, from the looks of it, a high likelihood of sensory-enhancing drugs. Ok fine, if these ladies aren't on drugs, then their parents took them while they were in the womb. Either way, the moves are rad. Rothbury attendees get the pleasure of seeing this harmonious posse join forces with with a team of fire-taming artists called Cosmic Fire. You will be one with their props. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need go dig out my old Skip-It from my parents garage and learn how to make history.

14. When craving a juicy burlesque show but can't leave the office early, sometimes all you need to do is close your eyes and listen. Listen to the retro-mix grooves of New York based DJ Momo Taro, that is. As a frequent spinner in the burlesque club circuit, he is as well-versed in vaudeville debauchery as it gets. At Rothbury, allow him to take you on a boobie-tassell extravaganza!

15. NOT all professional jugglers-for-hire look like the have a propensity towards fondling the young party-goers. For proof, check out Jason Kollum. Totally normal looking dude! But after seeing his smooth moves, you may want to kick his ass anyway for making multi-tasking appear to be so damn easy.

16. Fire hurts. Right? I mean maybe Mom was f*cking with me all those years, because apparently gyrating to dungeon music with fire in the palms of your hands is not only non-fatal, but quite entertaining. The members of the Vesuvius Tribe can show you all about it. Expect the unexpected. Also expect to wonder if that quiet chick from senior year study hall is the torch-wielding one with the thick eyeliner.

SAY "CHEESE!" - TUESDAY

Cubs Nation rejoices after opening day loss when they realize that Fukudome is on pace to steal 3rd 162 times, have 486 RBIs, 162 runs, 162 homeruns and hit 1.000 with a perfect fielding percentage

THE RIVALFISH TEN WORDS OR LESS MLB SEASON PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every year magazine after magazine and web site after web site give you long winded baseball season previews filled with all kinds of well-informed projections based on "facts." Well, facts are meaningless, you can use them to prove anything that's even remotely true. That's why this year, I'm cutting the baseball season preview down to size. So, ladies and...ah, who the fuck am I kidding. Gentlemen, this is your 2008 appropriately proportioned RivalFish Major League Baseball season preview- featuring only the important info: why each team will not win it all in ten words or less. Quick and to the point, just like a baseball game!

Mets
Too many white guys.

Phillies
Too coddled by their fans.

Braves
Players get fat with no Wickman to handle post-game spread.

Nationals
The Curse of Youppi.

Marlins
Players traded for a Wii.

Reds
Dusty.

Cubs
Anything I think of won't be as bad as reality.

Brewers
Prince won't play after finding out how sausage is made.

Astros
Rash of injuries after hills/flagpoles randomly added around field.

Cardinals
Spiezio's release leaves team without valuable red soul-patched douchebag option.

Pirates
Overslept.

Dodgers
Taking fans' queue, team arrives late, leaves early every night

Rockies
Overdo attempts to regain "America's darling" status. America turned off.

Padres
Pitching staff catches Tommy John from Prior.

Giants
Never recover from missing the calming, unifying presence of Bonds.

Diamondbacks
Uniforms used to be purple and teal. God doesn't forget.

Red Sox
Injuries to veterans force team to start younger, better players.

Yankees
A-Rod has recurring dream where every month is October.

Blue Jays
Canada.

Rays
Nobody turns their fucking back on the Devil. NOBODY!

Orioles
Tejada cleaned out the B-12 closet on his way out.

Indians
Team reads city name on front of their uniforms.

Tigers
Every all-star in world cannot replace Brandon Inge's pluckiness.

White Sox
Taking queue from manager/GM, team's too shy to succeed.

Royals
Royals.

Twins
You no like Delmon when he angry.

Angels
That Danny Glover doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

A's
Got stoned, forgot who promised "players to be named later."

Rangers
Just need some bats to go with all that pitching.

Mariners
Hat needs more trident.

BULLS HOLDING THOMAS BACK

by Alex Hryhorczuk, arh7@georgetown.edu

If you have been following Bulls basketball this season, I feel sorry for you. While it's obvious that we don't have the right mix of players, the problem is and has always been coaching and management (and idiot windbags like Jay Marriotti assuming they are the voice of the people of Chicago, rather than informing the people, which is his job.) John Paxson is a terrible GM. Jim Boylan is a worse coach and is making the same mistakes Skiles did. To try and demonstrate my point, I will profile one player, Tyrus Thomas, essentially picked 2nd overall by Chicago two years ago, and someone who has hardly become close to the player many fans envisioned when we drafted him (though I don't know what the front office 'envisioned' for him since they seem to lack any vision whatsoever.) I picked Thomas because while he has his faults, he is the most athletic player on the team and the most fun to watch when he is on the floor. And at the end of the day, the whole point of following the NBA is it's supposed to be fun to watch.

This chart shows the dispersion of minutes per game for Tyrus Thomas (blue) and LaMarcus Aldridge (red). I use Aldridge because the Bulls swapped him with Portland straight up and so they will forever be linked. Many people argue it was a mistake to take Thomas over Aldridge and they certainly have an argument, as Aldridge has established himself as a starter and a vital part of a resurgent Trail Blazers team. He is a better natural post scorer, which the Bulls desperately lack. Fine. I believe however that if Thomas stayed with the Blazers he would be on his way to superstardom by now, and Aldridge would not be near the player we see in Portland today. Take a look at the graph. There is no consistency or even trend to Tyrus Thomas' minutes. Aldridge plays consistently between 30-40 minutes a night with a few exceptions. Without getting too technical, standard deviation (SD) measures how widely spread the values in a data set are, or, how much deviation there is from the average. The SD of Aldridge's minutes (absent the 5 games he was injured since this would skew the data and make it useless) is 5.07. So, Aldridge can reasonably expect to play 34.5 minutes (his average) give or take 5 minutes (the SD). Looking at Thomas, on the other hand, he can expect to play 17 minutes (his average- fine) give or take 9.5 minutes (the SD- what!). In other words he does not know what the hell to expect and it's pretty clear the result is going to be that he is pissed off. The SD 9.5 does not include the games Thomas played 0 minutes due to team imposed suspensions, though maybe it should since this doesn't unfairly skew the statistic in the same way injury does. If you count the games he was suspended by the team the SD is closer to 10.0. So his SD is twice what Aldridge's is and he plays half the minutes! You don't need to be a statistics nerd for that to blow your mind. In other words, Thomas should reasonably expect to play between 7 and 27 minutes every night, i.e. he doesn't know what to expect. I wonder what he is thinking while he sits on the bench without a clue and if that's good for the team.

The next thing I looked for are trends- there are none. The statistics don't demonstrate a steady increase in minutes, they are completely scattered at random, and demonstrate just that, a team that has no idea where it is going or what it is doing with its parts. It is the reason there is so much resentment toward the front office and why the coach is losing the players. You don't follow a leader simply because he is in charge (or because he is signing your checks- the worst argument of all, more on that later), you follow him because you believe he is taking you somewhere. Thank God we don't have players who "fall into line" at the nonsensical whims of our idiot coach. Most great teams need a guy who you know will give you all he's got, whether you need him for 5 minutes or 20 (think Adam Burish). That guy is not your star. That guy should not be Tyrus Thomas, and management should not treat Thomas that way just to make a point about his immaturity.

The point of this graph is not to show how many more minutes Aldridge plays than Thomas (though it certainly does that, to date 2035 minutes this year to Thomas' 933. I wonder why he is further along as a player?). The point is really in the drastic deviation of how many minutes Ty Thomas plays a game- 28 minutes one night, 3 minutes the next, etc. It is enough to drive anyone crazy, let alone a 20 year-old freakishly athletic kid. To say that Thomas should just do what is expected of him is a poor argument, because how can he even begin to know what is reasonably expected of him? Do what you're told?? Please. This is the NBA. For Paxson to say that we sign his checks and therefore he should do what is asked of him and nothing more is saying that we the coaches and front office have zero accountability to our players. I don't think that is true. If the office you work at is run that way, quit now. Don't waste time waiting because it is never getting better for you. This is especially true if you don't have a clearly defined role where you work. Think about your job description. I bet it is pretty clearly defined and I bet you like it that way. It keeps management off your back and most importantly (and this may seem paradoxical) it allows you freedom to do things your own way and truly shine. It brings out the qualities that make you indispensable to your company (let's hope) and management cannot do this for you by redefining your role every day.

Drafting and cap management are extremely important, and I believe the Bulls have done a pretty good job with that (Artest, Brand, Jay Williams, Hinrich, Gordon, Curry, Chandler, Thomas, Noah). But player development is maybe the most important, and ours is abysmal and that is at root the management's fault. Apparently there are only 300 people in the world good enough to play at this level. Every team is drafting from the same pool. What you do with that talent says everything about the success of your organization.

It is true these are professionals and they need to act professionally. I am not making excuses for Thomas' or some other players' behavior. If you are siding with management on this issue I think the root of your frustration most likely boils down to the results on the floor, and I believe we are arguing from the same point of view. The problem though is with management, not with the players.

I could run into a little bit of a chicken or the egg argument with Thomas, because good play is rewarded with more minutes (theoretically) and so saying that a guy doesn't play enough is the reason he isn't better is a bad argument because maybe it is his own fault. But the erratic nature of Thomas' playing time is a result of idiotic management, because there can be no other explanation for it. I could track Thomas' numbers from the night before when his PT takes significant hits, but that would be pointless, because using the starting lineup or minutes played as some kind of reward/punishment for quality of play game in and game out is an idiotic way to run a team, too, no matter if the statistics support that or not.

If the Bulls don't want to develop talent, they should not draft projects. Don't draft a kid who has played 1 year of organized basketball (did Thomas even play in high school?), then unconscionably screw with his minutes, then blame him for being immature and complain that he doesn't have the post moves you're looking for. The Bulls have a serious issue with valuing their assets. They did the same thing with Tyson Chandler, a player they gave up Elton Brand to get. Then they got rid of him to get Ben Wallace. If they want to frustrate their players then turn the blame on them, they're doing a great job.

DIANETICS IS THE ANSWER

Please watch this video- its vague, generalized statements were enough to convince me that there's something better out there for me. Plus, it's easy to understand because everyone, regardless of nationality, is subtitled. Dianetics changed my life. join me, won't you?

LOOSE CHANGE 2nd Edition: Legitimate Questions Raised by this Rubbish

by Thor Teague

I saw this film for the first time this week and viewed it with an open mind, and made an honest effort to do my own homework. I read a number of physics publications as well as some published news stories. While I won't stoop to the level of those who rail on this film merely because they don't agree with it on a political basis, I have come to the conclusion that it is essentially bunk. Furthermore, it is reckless, baseless, and robbing people who have legitimate questions about 9/11 of a thoughtful, meaningful dialog by undermining the entire notion that circumstances surrounding 9/11 could, and, possibly should be questioned.

This film makes a number of assertions, many of which are at best questionable, several of which are easily debunk-able. For instance: The entire film rests on the baseless assumption that the towers and building seven were intentionally brought down. It brings up, for example, Popular Mechanics articles that were intended to put to rest this, and other claims like it. It never mentions the content of these articles, merely their existence.

First, buildings half the size of WTC are brought down with 4,000 charges. So assume 8,000 charges for both buildings, and an additional 4,000 for building 7. (REALLY rough guestimate but it's not necessary to be exact to make my point) for a grand total of 20,000 covertly placed charges.

An army of engineers, paid off to do this, would take months, working covertly and never spilling the beans. Assuming they worked from 5:30pm until 8:00am (and I think I know a thing or two about corporate America--that's too much to assume), it'd be a veritable miracle if they completed the task in less than a year. The WTC had a battalion of bomb-sniffing dogs, which, while off-duty for a few days leading up to 9/11, were not off-duty for months on end prior to the event. Not to mention someone outside of the conspirators might have noticed the 20,000 charges that had been installed.

There's a great article floating around on the sheer dollar amounts to pay off all the required people. Making a bold assumption (though certainly no bolder than the assumptions this film makes) on the poignant question of how much one could be paid to participate in the mass-murder of thousands of innocent people--American or otherwise; patriot or not--I think the number it comes up with is in the trillions.

Additionally, if I am to assume the government staged the attacks, it would seem useless to fly planes into the buildings *and* set charges. (The first edition asserts missiles, actually, but the second edition changed its mind to pre-set charges.) It begs the question, why bother with both? Would one or the other not have been enough to mobilize neocons? Or even a simple low-yield nuclear charge in one of the lower floors of both towers. Far, FAR fewer personnel required, far fewer variables in this scenario, and far cheaper. In the world of conspiracy, it's always best to keep the plan as simple as possible. Remember, most real conspiracies fail.

At any rate, debunking the crux of the film is enough for me--many, many published articles, books, papers, magazines, PBS and other documentaries--a veritable mountain of evidence, you might call it--to the contrary of this film already exists. An army of engineers and physicists, from this country and others, have picked the event apart down to the micron. If you bother to educate yourself, you will see Loose Change for what it is: an elaborate fraud, fabricated by charlatans. To what motive we can only guess.

And this only addresses the heart of the film, which is clearly not feasible. It does not touch on the manipulative use of out-of-context, misrepresented interviews, nor the slew of other "facts" which have been wholly debunked. Repeatedly. Independantly. (Go on and read about the "deeper problems" with this shit show)

SEAN SALISBURY IS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN, ONLY NOT AT ALL

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

As you've no doubt already heard at this point, and in case you're wondering why John Clayton looks especially glowing these days, Sean Salisbury and ESPN have parted ways. And lo, what sweet sorrow his parting truly is. On the sweet hand, Salisbury is will no longer come on TV everyday and yell at me. His repeated verbal thrashings were beginning to take their toll. But on the sorrowful hand, sometimes it's sad to see the bully go. Sure he raised his voice and, on occasion, his hand, but he didn't mean anything by it. He loved me and never meant to hurt me. Actually, it was all my fault. I'm the one that upset him in the first place. Oh Sean, come back! When can I see you again?!? Oh, well judging by his comments in the LA Times, it looks like pretty soon unfortunately:

"I have created a brand and it's time to expand into other opportunities in TV, radio, Internet, publishing, movies and public speaking, among others. My resume speaks for itself."

Boy howdy has he created a brand! In fact, if I was to take the time to name all the products and manufactured wares that bear Salisbury's name, we'd be here until the end of this sentence. And that resume, phew, don't get me started. If your resume includes the words "host of BattleBots seasons 1 and 2" then yeah, I'd say you've got something to crow about. Much like Sean, that resume speaks loudly and clearly.

Make no mistake, Sean Salisbury is a brand name on par with the likes of Jellies or Fresca. A merchandising and promoting force to be reckoned with. You don't just land roles in Rob Schneider movies unless your name carries with it a certain level of respect. So what can we expect now from Salisbury? What are the above mentioned "other opportunities" he'll pursue?

Perhaps he'll dabble in one of his other interests: finance. He could always end up back on TV with the likes of CNBC or Bloomberg TV giving sound, not at all scripted financial advice. Then, as his popularity on a new network blossoms, maybe they'll even take the time to pull the house plants out of the way, leaving him free to gesticulate to his heart's content without fear of damaging a poorly placed fern.

Who knows what other adventures await a man of such talent and grace. Either way, he will be heard from again. Take heart, America, Sean Salisbury will not leave you when you need him most. Which, consequently, is all the time. So enjoy your time in the spotlight while you can John Clayton, because soon Salisbury will return and take it away from you like so much lunch money.