THE RIVALFISH TEN WORDS OR LESS MLB SEASON PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every year magazine after magazine and web site after web site give you long winded baseball season previews filled with all kinds of well-informed projections based on "facts." Well, facts are meaningless, you can use them to prove anything that's even remotely true. That's why this year, I'm cutting the baseball season preview down to size. So, ladies and...ah, who the fuck am I kidding. Gentlemen, this is your 2008 appropriately proportioned RivalFish Major League Baseball season preview- featuring only the important info: why each team will not win it all in ten words or less. Quick and to the point, just like a baseball game!

Mets
Too many white guys.

Phillies
Too coddled by their fans.

Braves
Players get fat with no Wickman to handle post-game spread.

Nationals
The Curse of Youppi.

Marlins
Players traded for a Wii.

Reds
Dusty.

Cubs
Anything I think of won't be as bad as reality.

Brewers
Prince won't play after finding out how sausage is made.

Astros
Rash of injuries after hills/flagpoles randomly added around field.

Cardinals
Spiezio's release leaves team without valuable red soul-patched douchebag option.

Pirates
Overslept.

Dodgers
Taking fans' queue, team arrives late, leaves early every night

Rockies
Overdo attempts to regain "America's darling" status. America turned off.

Padres
Pitching staff catches Tommy John from Prior.

Giants
Never recover from missing the calming, unifying presence of Bonds.

Diamondbacks
Uniforms used to be purple and teal. God doesn't forget.

Red Sox
Injuries to veterans force team to start younger, better players.

Yankees
A-Rod has recurring dream where every month is October.

Blue Jays
Canada.

Rays
Nobody turns their fucking back on the Devil. NOBODY!

Orioles
Tejada cleaned out the B-12 closet on his way out.

Indians
Team reads city name on front of their uniforms.

Tigers
Every all-star in world cannot replace Brandon Inge's pluckiness.

White Sox
Taking queue from manager/GM, team's too shy to succeed.

Royals
Royals.

Twins
You no like Delmon when he angry.

Angels
That Danny Glover doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

A's
Got stoned, forgot who promised "players to be named later."

Rangers
Just need some bats to go with all that pitching.

Mariners
Hat needs more trident.

JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOUR TESTES

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Through scandals and strikes, through gambling and doping, there is baseball. Baseball endures, somehow, some way, through it all. Despite the release last week of a 409 page report detailing the use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone by 88 current and former Major Leaguers, America's pastime continues to be more popular than ever before. The question is why? Why do people continue to come back? Is it the history or the pageantry of the game that draws us in? No. The answer is that baseball's fanbase, more than any other sport, is a fusion of nerds, who love the numbers, and rednecks, who love to get drunk, take off their shirts and beat up the opposing team's first base coach (see our friend to the right.) So there is always something for everybody. And sometimes, when you combine these facts with every baseball player's downtime and every man's supreme interest in protecting his own gonads at all costs, you get a video like the one below- a perfect storm of what baseball truly is and why it will always survive. Enjoy:




The Nutty Buddy makes a great holiday gift idea! Gentile or Jew, it doesn't matter. Perfect for that special someone with a pair of testicles. Be sure to buy two or three!