SEAN SALISBURY IS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN, ONLY NOT AT ALL

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

As you've no doubt already heard at this point, and in case you're wondering why John Clayton looks especially glowing these days, Sean Salisbury and ESPN have parted ways. And lo, what sweet sorrow his parting truly is. On the sweet hand, Salisbury is will no longer come on TV everyday and yell at me. His repeated verbal thrashings were beginning to take their toll. But on the sorrowful hand, sometimes it's sad to see the bully go. Sure he raised his voice and, on occasion, his hand, but he didn't mean anything by it. He loved me and never meant to hurt me. Actually, it was all my fault. I'm the one that upset him in the first place. Oh Sean, come back! When can I see you again?!? Oh, well judging by his comments in the LA Times, it looks like pretty soon unfortunately:

"I have created a brand and it's time to expand into other opportunities in TV, radio, Internet, publishing, movies and public speaking, among others. My resume speaks for itself."

Boy howdy has he created a brand! In fact, if I was to take the time to name all the products and manufactured wares that bear Salisbury's name, we'd be here until the end of this sentence. And that resume, phew, don't get me started. If your resume includes the words "host of BattleBots seasons 1 and 2" then yeah, I'd say you've got something to crow about. Much like Sean, that resume speaks loudly and clearly.

Make no mistake, Sean Salisbury is a brand name on par with the likes of Jellies or Fresca. A merchandising and promoting force to be reckoned with. You don't just land roles in Rob Schneider movies unless your name carries with it a certain level of respect. So what can we expect now from Salisbury? What are the above mentioned "other opportunities" he'll pursue?

Perhaps he'll dabble in one of his other interests: finance. He could always end up back on TV with the likes of CNBC or Bloomberg TV giving sound, not at all scripted financial advice. Then, as his popularity on a new network blossoms, maybe they'll even take the time to pull the house plants out of the way, leaving him free to gesticulate to his heart's content without fear of damaging a poorly placed fern.

Who knows what other adventures await a man of such talent and grace. Either way, he will be heard from again. Take heart, America, Sean Salisbury will not leave you when you need him most. Which, consequently, is all the time. So enjoy your time in the spotlight while you can John Clayton, because soon Salisbury will return and take it away from you like so much lunch money.

THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: Jason Krause

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

Not sure what's taken me so long to get to this, but once again, ESPN has proved they truly have their finger firmly fixed on the pulse of football fans. In their continuing effort to provide as little actual analysis on their "comprehensive" NFL preview show, "Sunday NFL Countdown," the worldwide leader hired a babbling, unintelligible and, to be honest, ill-prepared and unqualified correspondent. No, I'm not talking about Emmitt Smith. ESPN hired Jason Krause, a 10-year old little boy, to do comedy segments and, even for a 10-year old, this kid is annoying.

His segment, called "Takin' It to the House," makes me wish I was blind and deaf and dead. "Takin' It to the House," huh? What a clever name! I remember when some people, people I hated, used to actually say that in the early 90s- which means it's a cultural reference that predates all those used by Chris Berman by about 30 years.

I don't even sit and watch the two hour clusterfuck that this long ago once informative and occasionally entertaining show has become, but even if I attempt to turn it on for 10 minutes it is inevitably right as they are setting up "Takin' It to the House." Then they come back to Berman at the end and he's chuckling like he really enjoyed that. You're not fooling me you tubby bastard! Just to see what I'm capable of, I now try to sit through it as long as I can before my subconscious takes over and attempts to move my body into position to ram my crotch into the corner of the coffee table as punishment.

I can just see the ESPN board meeting where they came up with this idea:
Boss: OK gang, Sunday NFL Countdown is getting stale and our ratings are down, suggestions?
Stooge: Um, we could add more people. Bump the number up to 47 on set and maybe faze out the football a little bit.
Boss: That's thinking outside the box, people. Excellent suggestion Johnson!
Stooge: It's Thompson...
Boss: Who else?
Lackey: We could add more hilarious pre-taped segments, like "The Mayne Event." That hasn't become forced and tiresome at all.
Boss: Bingo-bango-bongo! Another winner! Now how could we incorporate the Yankees in this?
Toady: What about adding something from the child's perspective? Everybody loves children, especially other people's awkward-looking, prepubescent children.
Boss: I like where your head's at, this is gold! Let's run this up the flagpole and see what happens. I don't want to get too excited, but I really think we're sitting on a winner here!

Can I just please get some game analysis from a pregame show, what happened to that? And I'm not talking about picking the games. I don't care who Keyshawn Johnson picks in the Texans/49ers game, that's not analysis. Tell me why one team is better, show me some evidence, explain some stuff that fans may not understand. Former players are always bitching about "people that never played the game" putting in their two cents, but based on what I see on that show, the people that never played the game know more about what's going on. Anybody can just sit there and pick the games, how does being an ex-player help you do that anymore than being a pasty skined weasel that sits and works on his fantasy team five hours a day? (see photo to left)

If they want to save the show stop having the guys take their suit coats off and head out to the little astroturf square for some pretend playing that just turns into fake laughing and back slapping. Get rid of the gimmicks, cut the show down to an hour and cut the dead weight (everybody.) And please God, remove the kid from the airwaves, never to be seen again. HE'S 10! What the shit are you doing? As a severance package, tell him you'll trade him some Pokemon cards and your pudding cup for his segment. Problem solved.