THE RIVALFISH TEN WORDS OR LESS MLB SEASON PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every year magazine after magazine and web site after web site give you long winded baseball season previews filled with all kinds of well-informed projections based on "facts." Well, facts are meaningless, you can use them to prove anything that's even remotely true. That's why this year, I'm cutting the baseball season preview down to size. So, ladies and...ah, who the fuck am I kidding. Gentlemen, this is your 2008 appropriately proportioned RivalFish Major League Baseball season preview- featuring only the important info: why each team will not win it all in ten words or less. Quick and to the point, just like a baseball game!

Mets
Too many white guys.

Phillies
Too coddled by their fans.

Braves
Players get fat with no Wickman to handle post-game spread.

Nationals
The Curse of Youppi.

Marlins
Players traded for a Wii.

Reds
Dusty.

Cubs
Anything I think of won't be as bad as reality.

Brewers
Prince won't play after finding out how sausage is made.

Astros
Rash of injuries after hills/flagpoles randomly added around field.

Cardinals
Spiezio's release leaves team without valuable red soul-patched douchebag option.

Pirates
Overslept.

Dodgers
Taking fans' queue, team arrives late, leaves early every night

Rockies
Overdo attempts to regain "America's darling" status. America turned off.

Padres
Pitching staff catches Tommy John from Prior.

Giants
Never recover from missing the calming, unifying presence of Bonds.

Diamondbacks
Uniforms used to be purple and teal. God doesn't forget.

Red Sox
Injuries to veterans force team to start younger, better players.

Yankees
A-Rod has recurring dream where every month is October.

Blue Jays
Canada.

Rays
Nobody turns their fucking back on the Devil. NOBODY!

Orioles
Tejada cleaned out the B-12 closet on his way out.

Indians
Team reads city name on front of their uniforms.

Tigers
Every all-star in world cannot replace Brandon Inge's pluckiness.

White Sox
Taking queue from manager/GM, team's too shy to succeed.

Royals
Royals.

Twins
You no like Delmon when he angry.

Angels
That Danny Glover doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

A's
Got stoned, forgot who promised "players to be named later."

Rangers
Just need some bats to go with all that pitching.

Mariners
Hat needs more trident.

THE BOLD AND THE POINTLESS

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Tim Kurkjian's voice is cracking like Peter Brady on the set of a porno film, you know what that means! Spring Training has arrived and baseball season is now just 31 days away. Believe it. And with this sign of impending sunshine and sunflower seeds comes the now seemingly inevitable talk of guarantees and boasts of who's the team to beat. Last year Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins talked the talk, and walked the walk, winning NL MVP and leading his team's furious run to a division title and into the playoffs after vowing that they would do just that. But now Mets centerfielder Carlos Beltran is trying to pull the same shtick. Many are calling the talk "bold." I'm calling it bullshit. Either way we'll have to wait until September to see which one of them is right, but as long as we're on the subject of bold, yet pointless guarantees for the 2008 baseball season, I've got a few of my own:

- Opening Day in Kansas City will be interrupted after a drunken Dana Jacobson wanders into the outfield and verbally berates Royals centerfielder David DeJesus. Witnesses describe a strong stench of Popov premium vodka emanating from Jacobson's body as she proclaimed "Fuck Kansas City and fuck BBQ and fuck DeJesus. Fuck DeJesus!"

- Speaking of the Royals, after struggling through the first half of the season, Kansas City manager Trey Hillman (yes, THE Trey Hillman) will bring in former Royal Vince Coleman to give the team a pep talk and light a fire under them. Unfortunately, thanks to his motivational Roman Candles, Coleman literally lights a fire under the team, killing them all. Nobody in Kansas City notices.

- As a cost cutting measure, the Pittsburgh Pirates do away with uniforms, equipment and even their 38,000 seat stadium. As a result, the players decide to just go to a local park and play home run derby on the tennis courts. They put all of their salaries together and pony up for a couple tennis rackets and a sleeve of balls. The exhibitions draw upwards of 9 people per day and it is widely considered the most successful Pirates season in 15 years.

- Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk is revealed to actually be a chubby lesbian whose birth name is Gardenia. Gardenia is fired mid-season after a series of "inappropriate hugs" around the office involving the totally hetero Pam Ward.
- Fellow Baseball Tonight analyst Fernando Vina continues his dogged pursuit of the Emmitt Smith Award for "Most Obviously Overmatched Broadcaster That Could Not Possibly Have Passed a Screen Test To Get This Job."

- Padres outfielder Jim Edmonds makes an all out dive in an attempt to coral a pop up that lands softly behind home plate. Edmonds is badly injured, but is in good spirits as he's carted off the field after doctors assure him nothing has happened to his face.

- The third grader that loaned Juan Pierre his t-ball uniform asks for it back.

- Barry Bonds continues his assault on the record books, breaking the records for most RBIs and highest slugging percentage in the history of the California Penal League.

- Yankees infielders Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez briefly settle their differences and finally get back to having sleep overs. Unfortunately, the repaired relationship doesn't last long after Jeter refuses to pay for A-Rod's parking after a wild night out in Miami.

- Oakland A's General manager Billy Beane pulls off another of his patented "Moneyball" moves, trading his entire roster for players to be named later. With no players, the A's struggle in '08, but the future looks bright and they appear ready to again challenge to be the one to lose to the Yankees or Red Sox in Division Series play in the near future.

- Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia is crippled by what doctors think is a recurrence of the radiation poisoning that sidelined him for the Springfield vs. Shelbyville softball championship game in 1992. However, after numerous tests it is revealed that actually Scioscia is suffering from Monkey Pox after being bitten by the team's popular Rally Monkey. The next night the Rally Monkey is put down live on the JumboTron. The euthanasia fires up the Angels and propels them to a division title.

- Another New England spying controversy errupts as the champion Boston Red Sox are caught taping their opponents base running signals. They are not punished however after the commissioner's office investigation just reveals a bunch of tapes of old guys rubbing the bills of their hats and grabbing their nuts.

YOUR DAD NAMED MANAGER OF THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS

After going back and forth trying to choose between the photo where he's pissing with his hand up on the wall and this one, Sports Illustrated was secure in the fact that they made the right call by going with this, the most tasteful and flattering Joe Torre picture they could gain access to, to set up a story about his new digs:

I imagine this is exactly how he walks around the house, only in a spaghetti stained wife-beater and poo streaked tighty whiteys.