THE BOLD AND THE POINTLESS
By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com
Tim Kurkjian's voice is cracking like Peter Brady on the set of a porno film, you know what that means! Spring Training has arrived and baseball season is now just 31 days away. Believe it. And with this sign of impending sunshine and sunflower seeds comes the now seemingly inevitable talk of guarantees and boasts of who's the team to beat. Last year Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins talked the talk, and walked the walk, winning NL MVP and leading his team's furious run to a division title and into the playoffs after vowing that they would do just that. But now Mets centerfielder Carlos Beltran is trying to pull the same shtick. Many are calling the talk "bold." I'm calling it bullshit. Either way we'll have to wait until September to see which one of them is right, but as long as we're on the subject of bold, yet pointless guarantees for the 2008 baseball season, I've got a few of my own:
- Opening Day in Kansas City will be interrupted after a drunken Dana Jacobson wanders into the outfield and verbally berates Royals centerfielder David DeJesus. Witnesses describe a strong stench of Popov premium vodka emanating from Jacobson's body as she proclaimed "Fuck Kansas City and fuck BBQ and fuck DeJesus. Fuck DeJesus!"
- Speaking of the Royals, after struggling through the first half of the season, Kansas City manager Trey Hillman (yes, THE Trey Hillman) will bring in former Royal Vince Coleman to give the team a pep talk and light a fire under them. Unfortunately, thanks to his motivational Roman Candles, Coleman literally lights a fire under the team, killing them all. Nobody in Kansas City notices.
- As a cost cutting measure, the Pittsburgh Pirates do away with uniforms, equipment and even their 38,000 seat stadium. As a result, the players decide to just go to a local park and play home run derby on the tennis courts. They put all of their salaries together and pony up for a couple tennis rackets and a sleeve of balls. The exhibitions draw upwards of 9 people per day and it is widely considered the most successful Pirates season in 15 years.
- Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk is revealed to actually be a chubby lesbian whose birth name is Gardenia. Gardenia is fired mid-season after a series of "inappropriate hugs" around the office involving the totally hetero Pam Ward.
- Fellow Baseball Tonight analyst Fernando Vina continues his dogged pursuit of the Emmitt Smith Award for "Most Obviously Overmatched Broadcaster That Could Not Possibly Have Passed a Screen Test To Get This Job."
- Padres outfielder Jim Edmonds makes an all out dive in an attempt to coral a pop up that lands softly behind home plate. Edmonds is badly injured, but is in good spirits as he's carted off the field after doctors assure him nothing has happened to his face.
- The third grader that loaned Juan Pierre his t-ball uniform asks for it back.
- Barry Bonds continues his assault on the record books, breaking the records for most RBIs and highest slugging percentage in the history of the California Penal League.
- Yankees infielders Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez briefly settle their differences and finally get back to having sleep overs. Unfortunately, the repaired relationship doesn't last long after Jeter refuses to pay for A-Rod's parking after a wild night out in Miami.
- Oakland A's General manager Billy Beane pulls off another of his patented "Moneyball" moves, trading his entire roster for players to be named later. With no players, the A's struggle in '08, but the future looks bright and they appear ready to again challenge to be the one to lose to the Yankees or Red Sox in Division Series play in the near future.
- Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia is crippled by what doctors think is a recurrence of the radiation poisoning that sidelined him for the Springfield vs. Shelbyville softball championship game in 1992. However, after numerous tests it is revealed that actually Scioscia is suffering from Monkey Pox after being bitten by the team's popular Rally Monkey. The next night the Rally Monkey is put down live on the JumboTron. The euthanasia fires up the Angels and propels them to a division title.
- Another New England spying controversy errupts as the champion Boston Red Sox are caught taping their opponents base running signals. They are not punished however after the commissioner's office investigation just reveals a bunch of tapes of old guys rubbing the bills of their hats and grabbing their nuts.
prayers4mojo@gmail.com
Tim Kurkjian's voice is cracking like Peter Brady on the set of a porno film, you know what that means! Spring Training has arrived and baseball season is now just 31 days away. Believe it. And with this sign of impending sunshine and sunflower seeds comes the now seemingly inevitable talk of guarantees and boasts of who's the team to beat. Last year Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins talked the talk, and walked the walk, winning NL MVP and leading his team's furious run to a division title and into the playoffs after vowing that they would do just that. But now Mets centerfielder Carlos Beltran is trying to pull the same shtick. Many are calling the talk "bold." I'm calling it bullshit. Either way we'll have to wait until September to see which one of them is right, but as long as we're on the subject of bold, yet pointless guarantees for the 2008 baseball season, I've got a few of my own:
- Opening Day in Kansas City will be interrupted after a drunken Dana Jacobson wanders into the outfield and verbally berates Royals centerfielder David DeJesus. Witnesses describe a strong stench of Popov premium vodka emanating from Jacobson's body as she proclaimed "Fuck Kansas City and fuck BBQ and fuck DeJesus. Fuck DeJesus!"- Speaking of the Royals, after struggling through the first half of the season, Kansas City manager Trey Hillman (yes, THE Trey Hillman) will bring in former Royal Vince Coleman to give the team a pep talk and light a fire under them. Unfortunately, thanks to his motivational Roman Candles, Coleman literally lights a fire under the team, killing them all. Nobody in Kansas City notices.
- As a cost cutting measure, the Pittsburgh Pirates do away with uniforms, equipment and even their 38,000 seat stadium. As a result, the players decide to just go to a local park and play home run derby on the tennis courts. They put all of their salaries together and pony up for a couple tennis rackets and a sleeve of balls. The exhibitions draw upwards of 9 people per day and it is widely considered the most successful Pirates season in 15 years.
- Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk is revealed to actually be a chubby lesbian whose birth name is Gardenia. Gardenia is fired mid-season after a series of "inappropriate hugs" around the office involving the totally hetero Pam Ward.
- Fellow Baseball Tonight analyst Fernando Vina continues his dogged pursuit of the Emmitt Smith Award for "Most Obviously Overmatched Broadcaster That Could Not Possibly Have Passed a Screen Test To Get This Job."
- Padres outfielder Jim Edmonds makes an all out dive in an attempt to coral a pop up that lands softly behind home plate. Edmonds is badly injured, but is in good spirits as he's carted off the field after doctors assure him nothing has happened to his face.
- The third grader that loaned Juan Pierre his t-ball uniform asks for it back.
- Barry Bonds continues his assault on the record books, breaking the records for most RBIs and highest slugging percentage in the history of the California Penal League.
- Yankees infielders Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez briefly settle their differences and finally get back to having sleep overs. Unfortunately, the repaired relationship doesn't last long after Jeter refuses to pay for A-Rod's parking after a wild night out in Miami.
- Oakland A's General manager Billy Beane pulls off another of his patented "Moneyball" moves, trading his entire roster for players to be named later. With no players, the A's struggle in '08, but the future looks bright and they appear ready to again challenge to be the one to lose to the Yankees or Red Sox in Division Series play in the near future.
- Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia is crippled by what doctors think is a recurrence of the radiation poisoning that sidelined him for the Springfield vs. Shelbyville softball championship game in 1992. However, after numerous tests it is revealed that actually Scioscia is suffering from Monkey Pox after being bitten by the team's popular Rally Monkey. The next night the Rally Monkey is put down live on the JumboTron. The euthanasia fires up the Angels and propels them to a division title.- Another New England spying controversy errupts as the champion Boston Red Sox are caught taping their opponents base running signals. They are not punished however after the commissioner's office investigation just reveals a bunch of tapes of old guys rubbing the bills of their hats and grabbing their nuts.
Labels: Billy Beane, Carlos Beltran, Jim Edmonds, Jimmy Rollins, Juan Pierre, Mike Scioscia, MLB, Padres, Red Sox, Royals
posted by Tony Riazzi at
5:50 AM
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